


The Most Popular Queens in School (Season 1)

by Dontaskdontpastel (Mistressaq)



Series: Most Popular Queens [11]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF, The Most Popular Girls in School
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Kinda, Minor Original Character(s), Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Warnings May Change, any characters you don't recognize are from mpgis, cartoonish violence, so don't expect much, so they're not MY OCs but, time and space are not cohesive, you shouldn't read this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-30
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-08 03:16:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21469168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mistressaq/pseuds/Dontaskdontpastel
Summary: first of all, this was the thing that brought me to rpdr fanfic and thus i felt like i wanted to revamp it so I hate it less. It's still not great. I finished up to season 2 literal years ago so it'll eventually end up over here when I re-edit it all.
Relationships: You'll see - Relationship
Series: Most Popular Queens [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1547560
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	1. 1x01 Pooping Priviliges

**Author's Note:**

> first of all, this was the thing that brought me to rpdr fanfic and thus i felt like i wanted to revamp it so I hate it less. It's still not great. I finished up to season 2 literal years ago so it'll eventually end up over here when I re-edit it all.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to mpgis (mpqis now I suppose) where everythings ripped off and quality doesn't matter. We're not trying to make art here, folks. Just trying to make 'em laugh

Two girls stand in front of a mirror. One is bronzed and statuesque, hands placed delicately on either side of the sink as she stares at herself in the mirror. Her friend is comparatively short (though neither girl is over 5 feet tall). She tries to make up for her height by wearing all of her platinum blonde hair on top of her head. She preens her hair nest as she speaks. 

“And then I was all like, ‘no’ and he was like ‘you are’ and I was like ‘you_ are _’ and then I was all like ‘I kind of am.’ So long story short... he’s kind of my boyfriend now.”

Valentina, the brunette, watches her own profile in the mirror. “I am _ so _ pretty,” she says.

Katya, the short one, chuckle/exhales. “You really are.” She faces her mirror again, her hand stopping halfway up her mountain of hair. “Is there, like cheer practice today?”

When Katya looks back at her friend for an answer, Valentina is staring open-mouthed, hazel eyes wide open. Katya follows her friend’s gaze and found an even shorter girl standing at the third mirror. A girl that the most popular girls in the whole school don’t recognize.

The new girl wears the kind of fashion that The Squad never would have stood for. White. White after Labor Day. White in the form of an ill--fitting dress that clung to her in all the wrong places and a face of makeup that says ‘I woke up like this and decided not to fix it just to annoy people.’ And that _ hair_.

The new girl is starting to take out the messiest bun in the world when Valentina manages to choke out a shocked “Um.”

The new girl gives no indication that she heard anything. _ Maybe she’s deaf, _thinks Katya. She tries this time, waving her hand to catch the new girl’s peripheral vision. “Helloo.”

The new girl pulls her hair down, letting it grossly hang about her shoulders. The dark locks still hold their shape from the bun. She moves only her head. 

“What.” The word croaks out with the least amount of effort one could put into speaking.

Valentina turns, making her entire body face the new girl. She pops up her hip, rests a finely manicured hand within view. “Who the fuck are you?”

“Who the fuck are _ you _?” The new girl sends the challenge right back.

“I asked you first.”

“I asked you second.”

The nerve! Katya can’t stand to hear such disrespect from this little nobody any longer. She lets out two scandalized scoffs before laying down the law. “_She’s _ Va-len-_tina. _ Head cheerleader, homecoming queen, part-time model. And _ I’m _ Katya.”

“Oh.” The new girl did not seem impressed enough.

Valentina repeats her first question: “Who. The fuck. _ Are you__?”_

The new girl sweeps her hair into a semblance of order, looking back into her mirror as she speaks. “I’m Adore. I’m new.”

“Who the _ fuck _ let you in here?” demands Valentina.

“PhiPhi O'hara,” Adore replies, more song than speech.

“PhiPhi O'hara isn’t in charge of the door,” Katya corrects.

Valentina ignores her friend. “So. Adore. _ Let me tell you how things work around here_.” 

“I already know how things work here,” Adore says as she pulls a garishly colored scrunchie off her wrist.

“PhiPhi O'hara is in charge of the snacks, why is she letting people inside the bathroom?” asks Katya, mostly to herself.

“Well, listen here, Adore.” Valentina starts up a Ted talk, gesturing like she’s in the fall play. “This is my bathroom. This is _ my _ school and this is _ me _ telling _ you _ that you need to learn your place.”

Adore finishes her hair and turns back to Valentina, not at all perturbed by the other’s attitude or social status. Katya, though she would never dream of speaking it aloud, starts to respect this Adore.

“Guess what? I already know all that.” Adore squints, trying to find the best place to hit Valentina in the face when the time came (and she knew it would). 

“Oh really?”

“Yah.”

“Alexis Michelle is in charge of the door-- what the fuck is she doing letting PhiPhi O'hara let people in?!” with that final non sequitur, Katya exits the bathroom, leaving the two dominant personalities without any buffer space between them.

Valentina continues the confrontation without missing a beat. “You’re not from around here, are you, Adore?”

“I just transferred. From Assyousuck.”

Valentina scoffs. “Where the fuck is that?”

Adore responds like human Google, all with that same attitude. “North of Tipinbig, west of the ‘69.”

“Well,” Valentina began closing the space between them with long, commanding strides. “Let me tell you how things work around here in Overboard Park.”

“I already know how things work here in Overboard Park!”

“Really?!” Valentina’s tone was almost shrill enough to qualify as screaming.

“Yeah-- see Steven Carburetor told me all about it!” Adore’s voice control is also out the window.

Katya re-enters. “Is Alexis Michelle sick? I think her dad might have died. Did she get Mono? Or was that someone else...”

“What THE FUCK are you doing talking to Steven Carburetor?!” snarls Valentina.

Adore swivels her head. “We have Algebra 2 together.”

“That’s my _fucking_ boyfriend, _bitch!”_

“Really?” challenges Adore. “That’s not what Alaska Thunderfuck said.”

The name of her rival set fire coursing through Valentina’s veins. “Well, Alaska Thunderfuck is a _fucking_ liar.”

“Really? She seemed to know a lot about you and Justin Masterson.”

It was becoming obvious that Adore could do this all day, and this much stress was not good for her complexion, so Valentina took a deep breath and turned back to the comfort of her reflection. She had shit to do today and she wasn’t getting detention for punching a new kid in the face. Willam would cripple her for interfering with her only Squad responsibility as the muscle. She forces the anger back down her throat. “Adore. Just, what the fuck do you want?” 

Adore’s voice is lower and obviously smug--she knows she’ll get her way. She draws out her words to make sure the vapid bitch understands her. “I want. To poop here.”

Valentina stares blankly. Katya looks straight at Adore, blinking, her head tilted in confusion. 

Adore continues her demand. “Whenever I want. For as long as I want.”

Valentina can only express herself at first with a tongue pop. Then, squaring her shoulders, she speaks again. “Fine. But know this: I. Do not like you.”

Adore turns away from the girls and lifts her nose in the air. “I feel indifferent towards you.”

“I’ll be watching you,” Valentina sneers.

Adore flips her ponyail and announces, “I’m going to poop now.” She spins around on her heel and enters the stall directly behind her.

Katya lets out an understanding gasp. “Wait, _Alexis Mateo's _ dad is sick-- Alexis Michelle's dad is a Senator.” She choke-laughs. “_Duh,_ Katya.”

Valentina is about to turn around and call Katya an idiot, but all conversation is cut off by the sheer volume of the sounds coming out of the occupied stall. It sounds like a dolphin was murdered while someone stepped on a woodland animal in front of Niagara Falls. All the while the two popular girls hear Adore’s pained whining. Adore takes about 30 seconds of this before prancing out of the bathroom, singing “Have fun smelling my poops bitcheeessss!” 

The door slams shut behind her. 

Katya holds her arms close to her body and meets Valentina’s pained expression. They say at the same time:

“What did I just do?”

“She didn’t wash her hands.”


	2. 1x02 Second rate handjobs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aussie exchange student, Courtney Act annoys the third member of the most popular girls trio with her unique way of questioning things. Also, Fucking Ariel Versace makes an appearance

A highschool boy more buff than should be naturally possible leaned against a pad of lockers and talked about the most recent football practice. Meanwhile, his girlfriend poked her butt out as she rifled around in her locker. Willam only listened with the slightest interest while her boyfriend talked. When she could handle his monotone speaking no longer, she blurted out “Was it slutty of me to give you a handjob last night?”

Before he could process what she had just said, foreign exchange student, Courtney Act bounced around the nearest corner. Willam rolled her eyes. She turned back to her locker and yanked out her pom-poms, just to remind the bitch who was boss here.

Courtney was, as always, sickeningly nice. “Hullo, Blaine. Hullo Willam.” She greeted them both with a smile, pronouncing their names like they were the sweetest candy.

Willam closed her locker. It made a sound much like a grunt of pain. “Hello, Courtney Act.” Her voice was completely void of emotion and she made no eye contact.

Courtney continued with the bubbly attitude. “Oh, eh, Willam, d’you have an extra--Gawd, how do American say it--hair tie?”

“Why do you say ‘how do you say’ before words you CLEARLY know how to say?!” spat Willam. “Ivy Winters says you aren’t even from Australia--you’re from southern California.”

Courtney reacted as if she hadn’t heard Willam. Instead, she turned to Willam’s boyfriend. “Blaine, I saw you in your American football game on Friday. You were ace.” She playfully patted his upper arm, secretly gauging the highly visible muscle mass.

“Oh, actually, that was Tanner Christiansen. He’s first on the deck chart. I’m second streak.”

Willam might ignore Blaine when he talked to her about sports, but the _ second _ he started talking to Courtney about that shit--she had to step in. “Stop trying to change the subject, Courtney Act.”

“What subject?” 

“The SUBJECT that you’re not from Australia, but instead from SoCal!”

“See, not true. Ivy Winters can’t be trusted,” she said simply.

“ACTUALLY, Ivy Winters hasn’t told a lie since the THIRD GRADE. So yeah, she CAN be trusted, moron!” The blonde cheerleader was crouching, anger contorting her body with tension. God, she wanted to punch that pretty little Californian face.

Thankfully, Courtney left. As gracefully and as disaffected as she had come, Willam noticed with irritation. That bitch wasn’t scared of her and that was the worst part. Willam took in a deep breath and rested her head against her locker. “She is _ so _from California.

Blaine turned to her and ran a hand through his sandy blonde hair, showing off his muscles, which he knew she liked. “Hey,” he said softly. “If it’s okay, can I have another handjob tonight?”

Willam took new interest in her painted fingernails. “I guess.”

“Aw, sweet!”

“But, in exchange for that, you have to watch a whole episode of _ Revenge _ with me.”

Courtney re-materialized beside Blaine. “Hey, I just realized, I came over here to get my Chemistry book, and then I never got it, so I came back to get it--how would ya say--now.”

“_NOW _ ! That’s exactly how you’d say ‘now’, Courtney Act, which you clearly know how to say because you JUST SAID IT!” Willam lowered her tone from shouting to a quieter kind of contempt. “So stop saying ‘how do you say’ before shit you _ clearly _ know how to say!”

Courtney shared a look with Blaine before saying “Okay,” then sharing a little laugh with him. That chemistry drove Willam to want to run Blaine and Courtney over with her brand new Nissan Leaf.

“Everyone knows you’re from SoCal,” was Willam’s only remaining comment.

Again, it didn’t phase Courtney. “I should probably go to chemistry class now that I have my book,” she said, and was off.

Willam let out an exasperated grunt. “_God_, I hate her so much.” 

Blaine returned the conversation to the events of the evening. “Oh, hey. If I watch an episode of _ Revenge _ and an episode of _ Big Little Lies, _ can I get a blowjob instead?”

Willam shook her head. “What? That’s not even a fair trade--you _like_ _Big Little Lies.”_

“What? Huh? Uh--that’s not true.”

“Yes it is, the only person who likes _ Big Little Lies _ more than you is fucking Ariel Versace.”

As if summoned, around the corner came the school’s favorite punching bag as she croaked “Oh, la, la, I love _ Big Little Lies sooo _ much!”

“Nobody’s fucking talking about Big Little Lies, Ariel! Now why don’t you go eat shit like you did in the GODDAMN THIRD GRADE!!!” Willam’s outburst prompted Ariel to immediately break into tears and start scream-crying. The tears only annoyed Willam further. “SHUT THE _FUCK_ UP ARIEL VERSACE!”

When the hob-goblin was far enough away that the couple could no longer hear her, Blaine said “Um, hey. _BLL_ is a really good show.”

Willam looked away. Softly, she said “You. Are not my boyfriend. Anymore.”

Again, with the timing, Courtney rounded that corner for the third time in two minutes to say, “I thought it was third period, so I got my Chemistry book out of my locker,” she giggled. It made Willam want to puke. “But then I got to my Chemistry class, and Mr. Kressley was like ‘Courtney Act, it’s not third period, it’s second period,’ So now I’ve come back to my locker to retrieve my Algebra 2--how would you say-- book.”

If looks could kill, Courtney would be a pile of smouldering ash.

_“God, I wanna fucking murder you.”_ Willam’s wrath was cut off my one monotone sentence. 

“Hey, Courtney, do you want to go out on a date?”

“WHAT.”

“Oh, Blaine, are you suggesting a, how would you say, three person root?”

“REALLY? Really, you’re asking how to say three-person-root? It’s _ fucking _ Aussie slang, you little BITCH!” Willam jumped at Courtney, claws out. 

Blaine ignored Willam as he held her back from attacking Courtney. “Actually,” he told Courtney. “It would just be a two-person root. Heh, Willam just broke up with me.”

“Oh, you know, Blaine, my people know a thing or two about suffering. We live alongside all the most poisonous and beautiful animals.” Her tone was so thick with honey Willam wished she’d choke on it.

“Oh? What people are those— Californians?” Willam sneered.

“No, the people who invented ‘Australian style’ sex.” With that, Willam’s worst enemy and now ex-boyfriend started hardcore making out, slurping and stroking and grinding. Every couple of seconds, Courtney would say ‘Stop’ and Blaine would immediately stop, only for her to say ‘Go’ again, resuming the session.

Willam had to lean against the lockers and bash her head against the metal doors to get herself to not throw up then and there. Her eyes were closed, but they rocketed open when she heard the shadiest words exit Courtney’s messed lips. 

“Bet that was better than some second-rate handjob.”

“WHO THE FUCK SAID MY HANDJOBS ARE SECOND RATE?!” Willam didnt care if her outburst earned her judgemental looks from passing students and teachers (which it did). 

Courtney leaned against Blaine, lightly poking his muscles. “Oh, I don’t know, everyone from Oz to Alcatraz. Trevor McKey, Leon Budapest, Connor DeVarnan.”

“_Connor DeVarnan _ said my handjobs are second-rate?! Oh, when I get through with that piece of shit, he’s gonna _ wish _ his parents went through with that move to WeHo!” 

No one was listening to her. Courtney and Blaine had resumed their session, and were rounding second base as Willam watched. When she heard Courtney utter the word ‘naughty,’ Willam decided it was time to get the hell away from those sickos...

But not without having the last word. 

“And, for the record, Courtney Act, I don’t just give handjobs, I also let boys fuck me in my butthole, okay? Not my growler, but my butthole.” She motioned to the named places as she spoke. She took on a seldom-used holier-than-thou tone. “Because, I am saving my virginity for someone special.” She glared at her new ex. “And that’s not you, Blaine.”

With that, she left. 

Blaine looked to Courtney. 

“The fuck is a growler?” 


	3. 1x03 Squad Wars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Immediately after the events of Episode 1, the famed Thunderfuck sisters come to crash the Cheer squad’s day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What’s funny is I wrote this originally before I even knew I was into girls. In re-editing i just... dude all the evidence was There

“She didn’t watch her hands,” Katya said in horror when Adore left the bathroom. 

Valentina hung her head in shame. _ This day could literally not get any worse,_ she thought.

She was wrong.

“Where the fuuuuck is Valeeeentinaaaa?” drawled an unmistakably throaty voice. 

Katya gasped. “Oh my God, it’s Alaska Thunderfuck.” The dimmer cheer squad member positioned herself behind her friend as if cowering from a beast.

Valentina straightened her spine and spun to face the new threat. She was fresh out of fucks to give. “The FUCK do you want, Alaska Thunderfuck?!” Her voice was shrill. 

Alaska leaned gracefully forward, further encroaching on Valentina’s territory, unfazed. The bitch was unshakeable. “Oh, I dunno, I heard you’ve been going around calling me a FUCKING LIAR!” The playful drawl was discarded. The unshakeable bitch meant business.

_ God, she’s gorgeous,_ thought Katya.

“Where’d you hear that?” demanded Valentina.

“Um, I dunno--like 30 seconds agoooo?”

“I said ‘where’, not ‘when’ you idiot,” Valentina snapped.

“Shut uuuup! You know I’m partially deaf in my right ear after Matthew Derenger hit me in the head with that fucking hacky sack in the third graaade.”

The door slammed open and a woman with a tinier waist than could be healthy strode in. Her hair was perfect, and about as fake as her personality. “Where the _fuck_ is Valentina?” demanded the woman as she took her place at Alaska’s right side.

Katya had to steady herself on the stall door behind her. She was lightheaded. “Oh my God, It’s Violet Thunderfuck, the most popular girl in the history of the Rainbow Valley School District,” she exposited. Wait, why were Katya’s panties damp? She hadn’t peed herse-- _ oooh._

“Hiiee, Katya.” The eldest sister smiled and waved. At Katya. After giving the signature Thunderfuck greeting. Katya turned into the nearest stall and crumpled, dry heaving over the toilet.

Valentina tried to remove all the tension in her limbs and voice. “_Violet_.” She tried for kindness but achieved condescension. “How’s Whichole State?” 

“Um, it’s great. I’m in like a shit-ton of sororities, and I have a 29-year-old boyfriend. Suck iiiit!”

“Ehehe.” Valentina’s fakest laugh preceded her even faker attempt at getting on Violet’s good side._ “It’s so good to see you_.”

Violet was having none of the other girl’s bullshit. “I heard you were calling my sister a FUCKING LIAR?”

The bathroom door opened again. “Where THE FUCK is Valentina?!” 

Alaska and Violet looked at each other. Valentina scanned the bathroom for the source of the voice. Even Katya poked her head out of the stall to figure out the new development. Valentina happened to look down and see what looked like a tiny Thunderfuck robot baby.

“Who the FUCK are you?” Valentina asked the baby.

“Who the FUCK are you?” the baby shot back. 

“Oh, no, I am not doing this shit again,” said Valentina.

Violet stepped in. “_This _ is our sister, Ongina Thunderfuck. She’s the most popular girl in Minnow Elementary.”

“And I heard YOU were calling MY sister a FUCKING LIAR,” Ongina finished.

Katya rested her head in her hand. “Seriously, who is watching the fucking door?” 

“Shut. Up, Katya Zamolodchikova,” snapped Ongina. “Or would you rather I let everybody know that you made out with Ginger Minj behind Gap Toothed Popcorn after school yesterday?” She may have been the size of a gremlin, but Ongina had the same amount of fire and social power as her sisters. 

Katya poked her head even farther out. “How...do you know about that?” 

Ongina tilted her nose in the air. “Manila Luzon. We’re in Girl Scouts together.”

Alaska’s face scrunched up in strain as she tilted her head, trying to listen with her left ear. “What?”

Violet let out an exasperated sigh. “Fucking stand on the other side of me.”

The girls switched sides to accommodate Alaska’s needs while she muttered “Fucking Matthew Derenger.” 

Alaska started to get the conversation back on track. “Listen, Valentina, we won’t tolerate--” she choked and covered her mouth and nose. “What the--that. Smells terrible.”

“Somebody literally just pooped,” said Valentina. It _ was _ a bathroom, after all. Bad smells were kind of supposed to live here.

“It smells awful.” Violet copied her sister’s hand-to-mouth strategy.

Ongina piped up. “It smells like a pack of diabetic drag queen feet were put into a sandwich and got left in the sun. Ugh!”

Katya resumed hurling. Then she weakly said, “I’m sorry. I’ll text Ginger Minj.” She leaned back against the stall door as she pulled out her phone.

“Bottom liiiinnne,” Alaska said. “I want an apoologyyy. I’m not a fucking liaaarrr.” 

“You ARE a fucking liar and I’ll gladly tell all of Overboard Park!” Valentina retorted.

Violet stepped between them. “Well then, I’ll gladly tell the entire student bodies of Whichole State, Texas and San Diego State that Valentina eats dick burritos.”

“Ohmygod, that’s everywhere you applied,” Katya breathed on Valentina’s shoulder. Valentina pulled out a pack of gum from her handbag and jammed it into Katya’s mouth.

“And I’LL gladly tell everyone at Minnow Lane Elementary that first-grader Shannel. Is rife. With _ cooties_,” bragged Ongina.

Katya gasped, choking on her gum. “Ohmygod-” choke choke “that’s-” choke heave “totally your-” choke deep cooling breath “your sister!”

“I _ know_.” Valentina turned away from the Thunderfucks, defeated. “Very well.” She took a deep breath. “Alaska Thunderfuck… I. Am… _ sorry _.”

“I don’t believe that for a goddam second.” Alaska flipped her hair, her head held high. “I want a handwritten apology letter delivered to my locker by 10:00 tomorrow. And, if any time after, I demand $30 in the form of an American Apparel gift card.”

Valentina slumped over the sink. These conditions couldn’t get any worse.

“Additionally…” 

Jesus Christ.

“I want possession of all girl’s bathrooms from the westernmost bank of lockers to the second floor, to the Banging trees on north campus. 

_"Fuck. You."_ Valentina’s eyes seethed with hatred.

Ongina hobbled over to Valentina, her head at the other girl’s crotch level. “You know, Valentina, it would be really unfortunate if your sister were to FALL DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS!”

“Oh, _ FINE _!” Valentina spun to look at Alaska head on. “I’ll accept your terms. But you have to give the cheer squad the center lunch table.”

“Fine,” said Violet.

“There’s also a girl named Adore who has _ pooping privileges _ here,” Valentina warned.

Alaska slowly blinked, her false eyelashes weighing heavily on her lids. “She will be safe.”

“Very well.” Valentina held herself with strength, straightening her posture. “But know this: the war between the cheer squad and the Thunderfuck family has _ just _ begun.”

“Understood,” said Alaska. She held herself upright, towering over Valentina with her natural Glamazonian height (plus 6 inch heels).

“Understood,” echoed Violet.

“Understood!” squeaked Ongina. 

“Wait, what’s going on?” Katya asked through a massive gum bubble. Valentina stuck out an acrylic nail and popped it. Katya whined.

The door slammed open and the pack of territorial young women heard Willam screaming from outside “SHUT THE FUCK UP ARIEL VERSACE!” 

The unpopular girl bolted inside the bathroom, wailing annoyingly.

If there was one thing the feuding squads could agree on, it was this, as 5 different voices complained:

“FUCKING ARIEL VERSACE!”


	4. 1x04 69$ Lunch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Thunderfucks seek out Adore the New Girl to recruit her to their side by offering to buy her lunch. They seriously underestimate Adore’s appetite.

The Aussie approached the lunch counter. “G’day. I’ll have a pea and ham soup, some barbecued snags and two lamingtons.”

The tired and underpaid Lunch Lady Bianca sighed. “Courtney Act. I’m gonna reiterate a point that I make to you at least twice a week. All that we have is what is on the chalkboard behind me.” She motioned toward it. 

“Oh, well in that case I guess I’ll have a glass of--how’d ya say-- water. And a vanilla slice.”

“I have nachos.”

Courtney’s shoulders fell. Mere weeks into the semester and she was already missing home and pissing off service workers. “I s’pose that’ll do once again.”

“A fine choice.” Lunch Lady Bianca rang her up. “Next.”

Adore the New Girl approached the counter. Lunch Lady Bianca smiled genuinely. Something about the new girl was incredibly pleasant. Maybe just that she was a break from routine. “Ah, New Girl. How’s your first week in Overboard Park?”

“It’s fine, I guess.” Adore didn’t look the lunch lady in the eyes— she was too busy staring down the menu. “Can I get a hot dog?” 

Lunch Lady Bianca pulled out a tray. “Anything else?”

“Yeah, can I also get some tater tots. Oh, aaand also a slice of pepperoni pizza? And also a basket of jalapeno poppers--” Bianca raced to and fro, collecting the girl’s food. This bitch could eat. And she wasn’t anywhere near done yet. “A ketchup boat, two potato pancakes, a creamsicle, two quesadillas, a breadloaf, side of ranch, some pixie sticks, taco salad, order of ribs, aaaaaaaaannd a diet coke. No, strawberry shake. No, diet coke. No--BOTH.”

Miraculously, by the time she had finished talking, Lunch Lady Bianca had piled a quadruple decker lunch tray filled with cheap food. As she presented it to the student, the thing she was thinking came out of her mouth: “That is going to be one. Huge. shit.” 

Adore sensed a presence to her right. She turned and saw two of the skinniest bitches she'd ever seen. The older-looking one in the back had a waistline that rivaled Tinkerbell. The one in front, she recognized. “Hiii, Adooore,” said Alaska.

“Hello, Alaska Thunderfuck,” Adore’s greeting was bored. She really just wanted to get to her lunch.

No such luck. Alaska motioned toward Tinkerbell waist. “This is my sister, Violet.”

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“I like your top,” Adore noted.

“American Apparel,” Violet said.

“Shut up.”

“True story.” Violet flipped her giant Ariana Grande ponytail.

A gruff voice butted into their exchange. “Oh, hey Violet,” Lunch Lady Bianca’s voice was like a cheese-grater that was trying to grate wood. 

When Bianca looked at Violet, she saw the girl’s tiny waist and perfect fashion catching the UV lights in a heavenly glow. Her hair looked so soft, her lips so full, her skin so clear, begging to be touched… 

“Oh hey, Lunch Lady Bianca, still giving people diarrhea for a living?” spat Violet.

Bianca merely giggled, turning away and sighing wistfully, “Oh, Vi…”

Bianca shook her head. How unprofessional of her. Back when the eldest Thunderfuck had attended Overboard High, staring at Violet had nearly gotten her fired. And arrested. _ Pull yourself together, Bianca! _“New Girl, you still haven't paid yet.”

Alaska waved her hand. “We’ll take care of it.”

“Okay, that’ll be $69.42”

“WHAT THE FUCK,” Alaska said at the same time as Violet said “HOLY SHIT.”

“Don’t worry! I got this!” Came a high pitched voice that seemingly came from nowhere.

“What the fuck was that?” asked Adore, scanning the room. 

“Me! Ongina Thunderfuck!” proclaimed a tiny human girl waving a credit card in one of her itty bitty hands.

“Jesus Christ!” Adore stumbled back against the counter. “Is that a fucking gremlin?!”

“N-no, I’m a third grader!”

Adore shook her head. “Whatever, just don't feed that fucking thing after midnight.” 

“Onginaaaa,” croaked Alaska. “Dad gave us that credit card for emergencies onlyyyyy.”

“Yeah, like buying cute underwear and premium memberships to Perezhilton.com,” supplied Violet.

Ongina looked up at her sisters, showing the same strength in argument as the girls who towered over her. “This IS an emergency! We’re at war with the cheer squad and we _ need _ allies!”

_“Correction,”_ Violet interjected. “ ‘Lasky and I are at war with the cheer squad-- _ you _ got sent home from school for infecting the entire 3rd grade class with foot fungus.”

“That’s not true,” Ongina said quietly, avoiding eye contact.

Violet put her hand on her hip. “Really? Because your teacher told me your feet look like a topographical map of Australia.” 

“Did someone say ‘Australia’?” Courtney materialized out of thin air. The local girls just stared at her until she went away.

Ongina ran at Violet’s legs and clung to them. “_Please _ don’t tell Mom--she’ll scrub my feet with bleach like she did to ‘Laska when _ she _got foot fungus in the third graaaaade!”

Alaska slapped her forehead. “You’re not supposed to talk about that-- _ GOD DAMMIT!”_

“Excuse me--I’ll cut a bitch if there’s fungus in my nachos,” said Lunch Lady Bianca. 

Violet turned to the comparatively old woman with a signature Thunderfake smile. “Um, we’re kinda in the middle of something, Bianca, so can you, you know, not.”

“Oh, of course, Violet,” her voice coated with gravel. _“Anything for you.”_

Ongina skipped from one foot to the other, giggling. “Hehe, it's squishy under my feet.”

“HEY, WHAT’S THE HOLDUP IN FRONT?” shouted a masculine voice from the line. Of course it belonged to the ‘straight’ guy who never buttoned his button-up (and yet never got dress coded).

Alaska leaned to the side so she could look him in the eye. “Shut UP, Jonathan Getslinhammer!”

“That’s not my name!” He had been trying to get people to call him ‘Than’ for a while now. It wasn’t gonna work.

All three Thunderfucks yelled at the same time: “FUCK OFF!”

He shut up.

“Is this gonna go on much longer, because I have a basket of jalapeno poppers that’s getting cold,” complained Adore.

Violet took a deep breath and began a prepared speech. “Adore, as you may know, the Thunderfuck family has spent years engaged in a blood feud with those DNA-guzzling cheerleaders. We would like to formally invite you--”

“I’m in.”

Alaska was taken aback. “But. you haven’t even gotten a chance to hear our pitch yet.”

Adore regarded them flatly. “Does your pitch involve you buying me a 69 dollar lunch?”

“Yeah,” Ongina supplied.

“Then I’m in.”

Violet blinked, surprised that Adore hadn’t put up more of a fight. “Great. Okay then, we’ll add you in on the google docs, make you and admin on the Facebook page and start CC’ing you on all emails.”

“Oooh--ooh! Violet, email me too. ladytatertot@gmail.com,” Bianca took the credit card from Ongina and swiped it. 

Violet intended to do no such thing. She looked at Bianca. “You are very strange.”

Adore picked up her mountainous tray with surprising strength. “Can I go eat now? I’m pretty sure this potato pancake is cold. The ketchup boat is all watery and my creamsicle’s about-- there is nobody here.” 

Sure enough, the Thunderfuck sisters had vanished as soon as they’d gotten what they wanted. 

Adore high-tailed it to a table where she planned to ralph down every edible molecule on that tray while she imagined all the future lunches the Thunderfucks would supply her with. 

The school’s second favorite punching bag approached the lunch counter. Mimi Imfirst opened her mouth to ask what kind of decreased price lunch options were available when a chorus of chanting boys approached. 

“State! State! State! State!”

She turned around only to see the entire football team, starving, barreling towards her at an increasing rate. There wasn’t gonna be enough time for her to get out of the way with her sprained ankle. “Oh, no, not again. Hey, guys--”

_ WHAM! _

“State! State! State! Yeeeaah! Woohoo!”

_“Ouch.”_

  
  
  



	5. 1x05 The Letter Zero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adore The New Girl is also approached to form an alliance with the Cheer Squad. Willam has a yeast infection.

Willam Belli sat in a comfortable splits on the concrete. One hand clutched her phone to her ear and the other rubbed her exposed thigh. “I don’t know, Mom,” she said into her newest model iPhone. “Why don't you give me a fucking break, okay? I had to break up with my boyfriend today… because he likes fucking _ Big Little Lies _ more than _ Revenge_! Plus, I have a yeast infection… I don't know, Mom--why don’t you ask the breadloaf that’s BAKING IN MY VAGINA! Get me some GODDAMN monistat!” She hung up.

A person-shaped shadow blocked out Willam’s sun. She looked up to find a girl in an ugly dress she hadn't ever met before. Hell, maybe she had-- Valentina was the one who bothered to remember people. “Can I help you?”

“Probably not,” said the stranger.

Willam squinted. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“Means whatever the fuck you want it to mean.”

Willam Beyoncé-jumped to her feet. The stranger was shorter than her, which was gonna make it easy to intimidate her. “Listen, slut, I don’t know who the fuck you think you are, but--”

“I’m Adore. I’m new.”

Willam felt a flash of hot anger at being cut off in the middle of a sentence. “I don’t give a FUCK!”

“Yeah? Cause it sure seems like you do!” Adore put her fists on her hips and leaned toward Willam.

“Well I don't!”

“Well good!”

It had begun. Two girls who both had to have the last word.

“Great!”

_“Super!”_

“AWESOME!”

Words devolved into sounds completely free of convention by the time Valentina and Katya strolled up. _“Willam!” _ Valentina commanded.

Willam spun around. “Ohmygod, I am so glad you’re here. THIS fucking slut--”

“Not now, Will.” Valentina walked straight past the other cheerleader to address Adore. “Adore, hi. You might remember me-- Valentina . Head cheerleader, homecoming queen, part time model.”

“Yeah.” Adore refused to show emotion. “You cursed me out in the bathroom earlier today.”

“Ohmygod!” Valentina feigned innocence. “Was that _ today?_ Heh, it seems _ so _ long ago. Right, Katya?”

The blonde girl looked up from a knee stretch. “Yeah, that was literally hours ago.”

Valentina coated her voice in sugar. “You remember Katya, right?” 

Adore scrunched up her lip. “Not really.”

Katya's jaw dropped. She let out a small noise of surprise. “Really? We talked. You pooped-- I thought we had a connection.”

“Not really, sorry,” Adore deadpanned.

“Adore,” Valentina touched Willam’s shoulder, signaling her to come forward. “Allow me to introduce you to the co-head vice captain of the Overboard Park cheer squad, Willam.”

“Hey,” said Adore.

“Fuck off,” said Willam.

“You’re the hanjob girl, right?”

“What?!” Willam snapped. Getting ahold of herself, she cursed under her breath: _“Fucking Connor DeVarnan...”_

Valentina stepped in. “Anyway, Adore, I’m glad I ran into you here.” She stood up straight, chin held high with self-importance. “I’d like to formally invite you to join the Overboard Park Cheer Squad.”

“The FUCK we would!” Willam’s response was so powerful, her voice broke like a 9th grade boy. Her face burned in embarrassment in addition to fury.

Katya stood up from her stretch and looked at Adore cheerily. She was happy to hear Valentina offering the new girl a position, though it was a little unorthodox without first having completed a try-out. To Adore, she said “The megaphone and pom poms are spoken for, but I can offer you the baton or the letter zero.” She held up a card with a messily painted letter.

“Um, Kat, I’m pretty sure that’s the letter o,” Valentina patted her friend’s head.

Katya looked again at the card. _“That _ would make a lot more sense.” 

“She can hold my FUCKING douche!” Willam blurted. “Okay? Cause she’s not on this fucking squad.”

_“Willam,_ sidebar!” commanded Valentina.

They pulled off to the side, where Valentina tried to calmly explain her reasoning. “We are at _ war _, Willam, and we need allies if we ever have a chance at bringing down the Thunderfucks.”

Willam crossed her arms over her chest. “Why was I not consulted about this?” 

“Because _ you _ are co-head-vice-captain of the cheer squad. _ I _ am the head cheerleader, which means I have the final say in all personnel decisions.” She smiled. “Got it?” 

Willam set her jaw. “Got it.”

While Willam and Valentina talked, Katya tried to make conversation with the potential new member of the Squad. “So… have you heard about Principal Ru’s new car?... It’s a Fiat.”

Adore looked at her like she expected Katya to say something interesting about the principal or his car. When she didn’t, Adore just said “oh… cool.”

_ She doesn't think it’s actually cool Katya! You’re going to be forgotten again! _ She tried to come up with another piece of school gossip. Adore liked food, right? Obviously she ate-- there was a stain on her terrible white dress. “We have new vending machines. On campus.” Adore turned to look at Katya. She had really pretty eyes. Katya could feel herself going lobster red. “They take credit cards now.”

Adore put a little effort into her performance this time: “That’s great.”

_“Goddammit,”_ whispered Katya. Adore did _ not _ think it was great. They were never going to achieve friendship. She would always be between the cosmic forces of Valentina and Willam as long as the three should live. Katya wished she could go into a wormhole like in her favorite movie, _ Contact, _ and come out in an alternate universe where all of her friends actually liked each other.

The head cheerleader approached, co-head-vice-captain in tow. _“Aaadorre,”_ purred Valentina, who looked expectantly at Willam.

“Ahem,” Willam took over._" They _ would like to formally offer you a spot on the cheer squad.”

Adore answered surprisingly quickly -- like she didn’t have to give the offer any thought. “I’m in.” 

Katya’s face lit up. “Really?”

_"Fuck _ no!” Adore gave a humorless laugh. “You guys are assholes!” 

Valentina pursed her lips, then seemed to decide something. She lowered her voice. “_ Adore,_ on the fourth floor of the Oak Park Mall, there is a bathroom. A bathroom intended for only the elites of Overboard Park’s elite.” Valentina noticed Adore’s face, full of fantasy and desire that she tried helplessly to hide. Valentina turned to her friend. “Katya, tell Adore how nice it is.”

Adore met Katya’s eyes hungrily. Katya’s painted red lips seemed to make love to the words that came out of them. “It has potted plants, super jumbo tampons and a bidet for your vagina.”

Adore’s mouth seemed to work independently from the rest of her body. “I want. To poop there.”

Valentina held out her lean arms. “Join the cheer squad and the key is yours.”

Adore was still imagining waxed marble floors and chrome toilet paper holders, but she managed enough brainpower to answer. “I’m in.”

Valentina beamed. Katya clasped her hands together. Willam spat.

“Congratulations,” said Valentina. “Alexis Mateo will contact you for your uniform fitting. What size are you?” 

“Size zero,” answered Adore.

“Oh me too!” said Valentina.

“Me too!” exclaimed Katya.

“Me too,” growled Willam.

With that, Adore left to go check out these credit card-operated vending machines the not-evil cheerleader had talked about.

Willam glared at Valentina. “I swear to God if this blows up in our face I will take this megaphone and SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!” 

“Willam, that girl may be the key to reclaiming the girls bathrooms,” argued Valentina.

“Waitwaitwait.” Willam took a step back, readying her megaphone. “You _ lost _ control of the bathrooms? Where the fuck am I supposed to shit now?”

“You can go to the Jack-in-the-Box across the street,” said Katya. “You have to buy something, but I like their tacos.”  
  



	6. 1x06 Punching Bags

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Overboard Park's favorite punching bags get together and formulate a plan to take over the school until they are interrupted by the best character in the show

Ariel Versace and Mimi Imfirst cackled evilly as thunder cracked dramatically. Blueprints and spreadsheets littered the walls of Ariel’s darkened bedroom, depicting every plot twist they planned together.

“Oh, Mimi, our plan is coming together like, _ sooo _ good!”

“I know, Ariel, it’s--it’s so diabolical. There are so many complicated twists and turns.”

“It’s like we are the two new characters on _ Big Little Lies.” _

“Well, once our plan is carried out at prom, you and I will be the Madeline and Celeste of Overboard Park!” Mimi let out a hyena cackle.

An evil grin spread across Ariel’s face, “Yes, but we are_ more _ beautiful.”

The lights switched on and the sound effects cut out as Ariel’s older sister barged into the room. “Ariel, Mom told me to tell you that _ This is Us _ was starting.” 

Sharon’s ginger hair fell messily around her pallid face. Her voice sounded croaky and tired, like she might cry or drown herself at any moment. Don’t worry--that’s just her voice and general aura.

Mimi was afraid of Ariel’s sister. Ariel was not. “I know that, Sharon! I’m recording it on the DVR so I can fast forward through commercials!” 

Sharon raised her hands, seemingly not having the energy to fight today. “Well she_ just _ told me to tell you--”

“--Well I know, okay!” Mimi didn’t like that tone, and from the look on Sharon’s face, neither did she.

But she was still too tired to do anything with it. She merely groaned and looked at Mimi, who basically lived rent-free at her house. _ Must be nice,_ thought Sharon.

The monster was staring Mimi down. She had to speak. “Um, h-hey Sharon, how’s your life been going?”

Sharon took a deep breath. “Well, let’s see. “I’m 27 and still living with my parents in Overboard Park. The state didn’t want to let me distance myself from this shitweasel of a sister by changing my name to Needles because it was ‘too strange’. I have an art history degree from a night school. My cat just died. I have lost 25% control of my sphincter muscles. I get a clicking sound in my jaw when I eat. I drive a ‘91 Dodge Neon. I have ovarian cysts and alopecia. I sometimes pee the bed still. The only man who wants to fuck me is my 48-year-old manager at Pizza Street--p.s. He only has one ball…” Sharon looked Mimi up and down. “So I guess, better than yours.”

Mimi tried not to show weakness. She plastered on a fake smile; that’s what the popular girls did when someone insulted them. “Oh, well, in that case, let me know when you have any cool specials going on.”

“You’re poor as fuck,” Sharon pointed out. 

“Y-yeah, but I can go with friends--”

“She can go for a salad,” supplied Ariel.

“And kids menu items,” Mimi tried.

Sharon raised a painted-on eyebrow. “Well, if we ever have a special on kids salad I’ll let you know,” she said skeptically. 

“Cool.” Mimi turned away.

Sharon headed toward the door again and said “I’m gonna go get drunk off blue collar beer while watching _ Shark Tank.” _

“HEY,” Ariel shrieked. “DON’T ERASE MY DVR!!”

Sharon stared at Ariel with all the intensity of a dragon who just heard a single piece of its hoard fall to the ground. Venom piled up behind her teeth. “I’m going to watch it in the den, you stupid, _fucking _abortion.”

Ariel blinked. That was a new one. “Uh--okay.”

“Bye Sharooon!” called Mimi.

It was almost over… until Ariel, for some God-forsaken reason just _ had _ to say low enough that she thought Sharon wouldn’t hear: “Yeah, walk away! Like a bitch.” 

The last bit was muttered but that didn’t matter. The dragon had heard. Her muscles locked up. Her hand on the door handle clenched into a fist. Adrenaline and wrath flooded her arteries. “What. The FUCK. Did you. Just. Say?” Her voice was the earthquake before the tsunami.

Ariel’s eyes widened but she’d realized her mistake too late. Mimi sidestepped and turned her back to what was about to happen. 

Sharon took big strides to close the distance between her and her prey.

Mimi started humming the chorus to a Bob Marley song.

Ariel started babbling “Oh no nothing I just--” 

_ Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a -- _

_ WHOMP! _

_ every little thing _

_ THWACK! SLAP! _

_ gonna be all right" _

Scream-crying.


	7. 1x07 School Gays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> long ago, the thunderfucks and the cheer squad played together in harmony. This is the story of the day everything changed.

_ School gays, school gays _

_ Here the golden rules play! _

“Oh, la, la,” Ariel joined into the schoolyard song as she approached her friends who al sat around the vicinity of the sandbox. “I love_ The OC _ sooo much!” she gushed.

Valentina leaned forward and patted the rough wood of the sandbox, inviting the girl to sit. “Ohmygod, Ariel, did you watch last night’s episode?!”

“Of course, Valentina. Willam came over to my house to watch it!” 

Willam leaned back on her hands, letting herself comfortably into Ariel’s space. “I cannot believe that Julie Cooper is having sex with her daughter’s ex-boyfriend!” she exclaimed.

“I Knoooow!” Valentina chimed in, then turned to her right. “Right, Alaska Thunderfuck?”

Alaska wasn’t paying attention. She was too busy silently crying and staring at her feet.

Valentina silently took her place at her friend’s side in a minute. 

Willam stayed where she was but asked, genuinely concerned, “Ohmygod ‘Lasky, are you okay?”

Alaska looked up and sniffled. “I just--I just can’t stop smelling the bleach you guys.”

Valentina put her little third-grader hands on Alaska’s already wide shoulders. “It’s just for a little while, you’ll stop smelling it soon.”

Willam shook her head and said softly, “Yeah, I still can’t believe your mom didn’t know there are easier ways to get rid of foot fungus.”

Alaska straightened up and started touching her calves, the places where drops of bleach had stained her skin. “She said this is cheaper--you know, my dad’s been on her to not spend so much money and she says this is cheaper. Plus she gets really emotional when she’s pregnant. And drunk.”

Ariel, Valentina and Willam shared a concerned look, but said nothing. 

“Do you think anyone will notice I smell like a hospital?” mused Alaska.

Valentina’s voice hitched. “N-noo.” She looked to Ariel for help.

“Not at all,” Ariel supplied.

Willam blinked. “You’re kidding, right?” The caged laughter peeked through her voice.

“My mom says it’s about time for people to start feeling sorry for me,” squeaked Alaska. “She said that--that if I was good and didn’t complain, in a week she’d buy me UGGS.” The girl sounded hopeful.

“Yeah, I’m sure that’ll work great at keeping the fungus away,” Valentina tried.

“And they’ll be great summerware,” tried Ariel.

Two boys started approaching the group of girls. Valentina got up to see what they wanted. It was Matthew Derenger and Tanner Christianson. The first boy was 9 years old and already had stubbly facial hair and an incredibly deep voice that reminded Valentina of Morgan Freeman. He wanted to know if any of the girls would be willing to join in a game of Red Rover or, perhaps, Duck, Duck, Goose. Valentina stomped her foot. 

“Do you mind? We are in the middle of a crisis here, if you haven’t noticed--one of us got her feet soaked in bleach last night.” She pointed to her beloved Alaska.

Matthew looked genuinely sorry. “I do apologize if I caused a lady any kind of distress.” He bowed, then looked to his friend. “Looks like we are playing Pokemon cards again.” and they were off.

When Valentina returned to her friends, she tried to lift the mood. “Ohmygod you guys, are you _ so _ excited for cheer tryouts today?!”

Willam proudly stood up. “I have choreographed the best routine to the song ‘Juicy’, by Biggie.”

Alaska smiled. “I love that song.”

Valentina started stretching on the wooden part of the sandbox. “I am getting super bendy you guys,” she bragged. “ I can make my head go between my legs and look like a pretzel.”

“I prepared a monologue,” said Ariel.

“But, let’s be honest,” Willam began. “Everyone knows you are are going to be head cheerleader, ‘Lasky.”

Alaska fidgeted happily. “Oh, you guys, I dunnoooo,” she drawled.

“Come on! Your sister Violet was head cheerleader,” said Willam.

“Your mom, Missus Kasha Davis was head cheerleader,” said Ariel.

“Hell, even your great aunt Bunny was head cheerleader!” said Valentina.

Willam placed a hand on Alaska’s shoulder. She wasn’t the hugging type but this was needed. “Look, ‘Lask. face it. You’re going to be our head cheerleader for the next _ nine years _.” She motioned toward what was actually the parking lot but was intended to represent the future.

Valentina took Alaska’s other side, bending over slightly. “And should I be given the opportunity, ‘Lask, it would be an honor-- an_ honor _\--to serve on your squad.”

“Ditto for me!” said Willam, raising her hand.

“And me as well!” squeaked Ariel.

Alaska stood straight and tall, already taller than the other girls. She laced her long arms around her friends shoulders and proclaimed “We few! We band of sisters! I love you guys!”

The conversation broke off into Ariel playing with sand on her own, Valentina and Willam arguing about something and Alaska serenely playing with her hair, imagining the future that was surely in store for her and her squad. 

What none of the girls were paying attention to was the argument that was happening between the two boys from earlier. 

Matthew Derenger shook his head incredulously, “Nuh-uh! There is no way a Jigglypuff can possibly beat a Mecatoad!”

“Mafew, I won, those are the wules. Now give it ower befowe I bitchswap the fwack out of you.”

“Oh, now you’ve done and did it,” Matthew brandished a colorful bag. “I now unleash upon you the full fury of my greatest weapon--my Ryan Cabrera 2007 promotional hacky sack! O DERENGEEEEEERRR!”

The sack left his hand but Tanner dodged. The trajectory had the projectile headed straight toward a little girl in the sandbox humming innocently to herself. There were a few moments before the disaster when Matthew saw what wa going to happen but was powerless to stop it. 

_"You know very well who you are _

_ Don't let em hold you down, reach for the _ \-- _ ” _

_ THWACK! _

“OW! SON OF A BITCH! BASTARD! AAAAIIIIIII! WHYYY MEEEE? WHYYY NOOOOWWW?!” Alaska screamed, clutching at the right side of her face with both hands as she rolled around in the sandbox. Her friends rushed to her side but nothing could be done. “WHY DOES GOD HATE MEEE? OOOOWWW JESUS CHRIIISSST!” wailed Alaska.

“Ohmygod, ‘Lask, are you okay?” asked Willam quietly.

“WHAT?”

Valentina stepped in. “She said ‘ohmygod, ‘Lask, are you okay?’ ”

“WHAT?”

Willam spun around and took off after her friend’s assailant with all the might in her nine-year-old body. She plowed straight into Matthew Derenger. “What THE FUCK is wrong with you?! Throwing hacky sacks around all willy nilly like this was the goddamn x games, Derenger?!”

“Ow! Ow! Please! Stop hitting me! It was an accident! God--your fists are like tiny hammers!”

Ariel took Willam’s place at Alaska’s right side. “Alaska Thunderfuck, are you going to be able to go to cheer tryouts today?” she wailed, almost in competition with the injured girl’s cries.

_"What?"_ choked Alaska. “Fucking _ stand on the other side of meee!"_ Tears freely fell over the girl’s cheeks. Her dreams, dashed.

Valentina kneeled at Alaska’s left side. “I really think you should go to the nurse.”

“BUT WHAT ABOUT CHEER TRYOUTS?” Alaska had to yell just to hear her own voice.

_"Don’t worry,"_ cooed Valentina. "_ I’m sure everything will work itself out just fine."_

+++++++++

In present day, 16-year old Alaska thunderfuck finished her story in the girl’s bathroom, Adore Delano leaning against a stall, looking at Alaska’s watery-eyed face in the mirror from a safe distance. “That day, Valentina became head cheerleader of the Minnow Lane Elementary Anemones. A title, which she has carried to this day.” She sniffled. “I am the first in my family to not become head cheerleader. And now, thanks to her, _ I never will."_

She stood straight up and took out her makeup bag and started work fixing her mug. “So, to answer your questioon, Adoorrre. That is why I hate Valentina._ So. Fucking. Muuuuch."_

Adore took a deep breath. _"Cool,_ Well I don’t wanna be rude, but that story was very long, and much more involved than I thought it would be, and I have had to poop through most of it. So I’m going to do that now.”

\-------

While Valentina took Alaska to the nurse, Ariel was alone in the sandbox. She eyed up a Gusher that someone had left in there and that she’d wanted to dig into all afternoon. “Oh, hello there, Gusher,” she cooed and picked it up. “Do you want to go into my belly, I bet you doooo.” Hanging out with Alaska had gotten to all of them, Ariel most of all. 

No sooner had she taken a bite and realized the flavor was off, Willam was behind her. “What the fuck-- did you just. Eat the dogshit that’s been in the sandbox so long it turned orange?”

“Wha-n-no.”

Willam stepped back as if Ariel had a highly contagious skin disease. “You fucking did, didn’t you?”

“No I ju-I just--”

Willam held up her hand, telling the other girl to just stop. “No, no. Okay, Ariel Versace? We. Are no longer friends. Because you. Are fucking gross.” 

  
  



	8. 1x08 Like Semen on Root Beer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: The Thunderfucks throw the first official stone of the Blood Feud, helped by the lovely Mrs Kasha Davis, who didn’t change her name when she married, just her prefix. Because I am the god of this universe and I said so.
> 
> Tw: diarrhea

The sounds coming from the girls bathroom were straight out of a horror movie. Grunts of pain, whines of struggle and exhausted panting reverberated off the cheap ceramic tiles on the walls of the Overboard Park girls bathroom. All of these sounds erupted from three unfortunate girls who fucked with the wrong family.

“_ Fuck _!” grunted Willam, her legs propped up on either side of the stall. She threw her head back. “I feel like I’m having an abortion!”

In the next stall over, Valentina steadied herself with her nails digging into her thighs. “Why would God do this to meeee--EEE!” She shrieked when another wave hit her.

Katya leaned up against the wall closest to her friends. “Eeee--squirtle!” 

After another wave was over, Valentina posed an open question to her comrades. “How THE FUCK did this happen?!”

Panting against the cool tiles on the back wall, Katya said, “I believe someone may have put laxatives in our pre-pep-rally energy drinks--HIE-CAN’T-GODALMIGHTY!!”

“REALLY, KATYA?” Willam spat sarcasm. “You think?!”

“Well, I mean, there’s no way of being sure without doing a t-tuh-TOMYGODWILLITNEVEREND?!”

Valentina screamed at the top of her lungs: 

“GODDAMN YOU, ALASKA THUNDERFUCK!”

\-------------

_ (1 hour earlier at the Thunderfuck house) _

_ Ongina tugged at Alaska’s skirt. “You know, ‘Lask, you really shouldn’t put more than a single dose of X-lax in each cup.” _

_ Alaska held an open packet of powdered laxative over three opened cans while Adore and Ongina watched. She set the packet on the table. “Ongina, I’m sixteen years old, six feet tall and weigh 105 pounds. I think I know how to mix X-lax into a fucking drink, okay?” _

_ Ongina shook her head. “But if you put too much then the mixture won’t dilute into the liquid; it’ll gather all on top like semen on root beer!” _

_ Adore tilted her head and squinted at Ongina. “Are you _ sure _ you’re not gremlin?” _

_ “I was born in 2003, I have no idea what that is!” Ongina said. _

_ “Uh-huh… sounds like something a gremlin would say to me.” _

+++++++++

(back in the girl’s bathroom)

Adore fast--waddled into the fourth stall, all others taken. She promptly joined the chorus of panting and grunting. 

Valentina’s strained voice echoed off the walls. “Ohmygod, Adore, they got you _ too?” _

“Who got me--the three tostadas I had for lunch? Oh yes, they got me. They got me bad.” She leaned back, losing herself in her own thoughts. “It didn’t help that they were made with coleslaw instead of lettuce.”

“What THE FUCK are you talking about?” demanded Willam.

“What the fuck are _ you _ talking about?” Adore echoed.

“Apparently the Thunderfucks poisoned our pre-pep rally pineapple juice,” exposited Katya.

“Oh yeah, I already knew about that.” 

“WHAT?” three voices demanded.

_ Hm, probably shouldn’t have said that _ . “I mean… I already… did _ not _ know about that.”

“If I didn’t have Splash Mountain coming out of my fuckin’ ass right now, Adore I swear I would RIP YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF!” screeched Willam.

Willam and Katya felt a reverb on their stall walls as Valentina punched them. “Get out!” she screamed. At first the girls thought she was mad at them, until she finished that line with “Get out of meee!” A plopping sound followed, then a sigh of relief.

Valentina panted. “Oh, Alaska Thunderfuck, we are gonna get you. We are gonna get you _ so good _.”

“Yeah, dumb whore!” said Adore.

\------------

_ Alaska shook the powder over the drinks. “Oh, Valentinaaa. We are gonna get you _so good.”

_ “Yeah, dumb whore!” chimed Adore. _

_ “MOOOOOOM!” called Ongina. _

_ Mrs Kasha Davis sauntered into the room. She was a short lady with her dark hair drawing contrast to her daughter’s blondeness. She pressed a hand against her swollen abdomen. “What is it, Ongina?” _

_ “‘Laska is putting too much Xlax in the cheerleaders’ pre-pep-rally energy drinks!” _

_ The woman reached her hand over immediately, “Alaska! Give me that!” She snatched it and held the packet up to the light, trying to assess how much had already been used. Then she started applying the powder to the drinks herself. “You see, girls, the XLax is just going to sit on top like eh… like semen, on root beer.” _

_ Ongina beamed. “See? I told you.” _

_ “Shut up, fungal foot,” muttered Alaska. _

_ Ongina turned to Mrs Kasha Davis. “Mommy? What did you drink when you used to be a cheerleader?” _

_ “Squeeze Its and Zema--why?” _

_ Alaska grabbed the cans. “Can we take these now?” _

_ “Yes,” answered Mrs Kasha Davis. “But when they drink them, make sure they do so through straws. While standing. Outdoors. No more than two hours from now, girls! _

_ “If you wait any longer, _ you will kill them _ .” _

_ “Mkay, C’mon, Adore!” Alaska gave two of the three cans to the honorary Thunderfuck cousin. _

_ Ongina tried to follow. “Can I come?” _

_ “We’re going to the high school, not fucking Build-A-Bear.” _

_ “Alaska!” Her mother's tone was pointed. _

_ “Alright, FINE!” _

_ “Good,” Mrs Kasha Davis ran a perfectly manicured hand through her hair. “Mommy needs a nap.” _

_ “If by ‘nap’ you mean an Ambien and a box of wine,” remarked Alaska. _

_ “What?” _

_ “Biiiieeeeeee!” said Alaska. _

_ “Biiieee!” said Ongina. _

_ “Biiee!” said Mrs Kasha Davis. _

+++++++++++++++

The cheerleaders were out of the stalls now, having lost every bit of moisture in their bodies. Valentina panted, resting her head against the wall. She monologued to herself. “Alaska Thunderfuck thinks it’s funny to put XLax in my pre-pep-rally energy drink. Because of that, I missed the biggest pep rally of the season. The pep rally where I was going to announce my running for prom queen.”

Katya was in the middle of texting her apologies to football player, and also her boyfriend, Matthew Derenger. “Wait-- What about Willam and me?”

“Yeah, what the fuck?” demanded Willam. 

Katya raised an eyebrow. “And didn’t you already _ win _ homecoming queen?”

“Yes! Katya!” Valentina looked straight at her with a fierceness that told Katya with no subtlety to just stand the fuck down. “I also won Candy Cane Princess at Winter Social. But none of that fucking matters.” She closed her eyes. “I. Want. Prom.

“And to get it, we need to FUCK Alaska Thunderfuck’s life! Fuck it _ right in the ass _.”

Willam raised a fist in solidarity. “No lube!”

“Fisting!” Katya copied.

“With a big, black, dildo!” added Adore.

Valentina beamed at the newest member. “The biggest.”

Katya went to what the other girls called ‘Katya Land’ and she started just talking. “And we should totally fuck up their credit too. Then we’ll all unfriend them n Facebook.” 

When the cheerleaders left, the final stall door opened to reveal Mimi and Ariel, who’d been listening in the whole time. 

“Oh, fuck no--those bitches are NOT going to outwit our plans for prom! Just wait until they see what we have panned, haha!” squealed Mimi.

“Y-yeah. Our plan will make their plan look like… like… our plan is soo good!”

“So good!”

The two cackled evilly.

  
  
  
  
  



	9. 1x09 ASSka

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the prom queen nominees are announced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its my birth daaaaaaaaaaaaay

Matthew Derenger stood before Katya and spoke in his most gentlemanly voice. “I was thinking, if you are not doing anything on the evening of the 26th,” his beard bobbed up and down as he spoke. It was hypnotizing; Katya almost didn't hear when he said “it would be my most esteemed pleasure to escort you, Yekaterina Zamolodchikova, to the Overboard High School Prom.”

“Oh, oh yes, oh Dad you were wrong!” She thought, not realizing she’d said it aloud. 

Katya flapped her arms in excitement and raced down the hall until she spotted Willam. “Willam!” she exclaimed, grabbing the other girl's hand and clasping it in her own. 

“God, Katya,  _ what?” _ she asked, annoyed at Katya’s energy level this early in the morning.

Katya bounced up and down like Matt’s beard. “Matthew Derenger just asked me to the prom!”

“Well? What did you say to him?”

“Uh--” Katya’s smile fell. “I may have forgotten to answer.”

Katya raced back to Matt, who was standing looking somewhat confused and somewhat charmed by her behavior. “Yes!” she blurted. “My answer is totally yes.” 

Matt’s smile made Katya melt. “Well then,” he said. “In that case I await the evening of the 26th with bated breath.” He took her hands in his own, weaving their fingers together. “While I wait, though, how about you put your tongue in my mouth for a little bit.”

“Uh-huh, with pleasure.” Katya gasped before she dove into his mouth like she was poisoned and his saliva was the only antidote. She was so buzzed on the kissing and the feeling and the excitement that she would happily have gone down on Matt right then and there. 

She forgot where she was, until she heard a familiar voice. 

“Gross.” It was Willam.

Katya dutifully submitted to her cheer squad superior and bowed her head in shame. Until Matt said in his intoxicating baritone, “Jealousy. That’s what’s really gross.”

During the next passing period, Katya was listening to Willam whine about Courtney Act again when Valentina came barreling towards them. “You guys are  _ not _ going to believe how Stephen Carburetor invited me to prom today!” she squealed. 

“Um, did he tape a giant heart to your locker with the word ‘prom’ and a question mark in the middle?” asked Katya.

Valentina gasped. “How did you  _ know _ ?!”

“Because the fucking heart is still taped to your locker.” Willam banged her fist against the evidence.

“Oh.” Valentina tilted her head to one side. “I guess it is. Will, who asked you to prom?”

Willam tensed. “Actually, it’s kind of a long story.”

_ ~~~~~~~~~ _

_ (wooooosh flashaback) _

_ Blaine and Courteney were sucking the air out of each other’s lungs again. He came up for air and asked, “Hey, Courtney, I wanted to know, do you want to go to prom with me?” _

_ She beamed. “Oh, Blaine, how’d ya say, yea!” _

_ Willam banged her head into her locker about five times.  _

_ “Oh, hello, Willam. Is everything eh, ace?” _

_ Willam grunted. “Everything’s just fine, Courtney. I was just trying to put myself into a COMA so I wouldn’t have to listen to the two of you DIPSHITS try to talk and breathe at the same time.” _

_ “Actually,” Blaine offered. “Courtney can use her mouth and breathe at the same time. She showed me last night ehehehe.”  _

_ Courtney slung an arm around Blaine’s wide shoulders. She was nothing but smiles when she said “Yes, maybe it’s a skill you should learn, Willam. That way you won’t have to rely on the chafing nightmare that you call a --how’dya say-- handjob.” _

_ Blaine turned his face to Courtney’s. “Yea, that’s exactly how you say ‘handjob’,” he said as they walked off, hands in each others pockets. _

_ Willam turned to no one in particular, threw up her hands and goaned “FUCKING CONNOR DEVARNAN!” _

_ “What,” said Connor Devarnan. _

_ She spun around. “Where the FUCK have you been?” _

_ “Around.” _

_ “Well have you been going around saying I give second rate handjobs?” _

_ “Yep.” _

_ “Well are you gonna stop?” _

_ “No.” _

_ Willam scoffed and let a moment of silence pass. “Will you go to prom with me?” _

_ “Okay.” _

_ With that, he left.  _

_ Willam turned back to the lockers. “God. Dammit.” _

\-----------

Valentina rubbed Willam’s back gingerly. “Well that’s a fulfilling story.” She turned to Katya. “Where the hell is Adore? I told her to meet us here.”

Willam picked her head up. “I’m telling you, I don’t trust that bitch.”

“Um. Willam,” Katya said gently. “You don’t trust anybody.”

“Yeah--with good reason. The last girl we trusted was Sasha Belle!”

“Oh, Jesus,” groaned Valentina, the name bringing forth unpleasant memories.

“We were just supposed to be having a fun day at the Overboard Park Community Center pool, but as soon as I turn my back, Sasha’s playing ‘hide the finger’ with my  _ fucking boyfriend in the lazy river _ !”

“I could totally go for a swim right now,” said Katya.

Willam continued steamrolling. “Hell, for all we know, Adore could be in the girl’s bathroom braiding Courtney Act’s FUCKING HAIR!”

\--

“Your hair is super thick.” Adore told Courtney as she finished off the braid with a hair tie.

“Yea, I’ve been growin’ it since I ‘as an ankle bita in a shack.”

“Adore,” Alaska stalked in. “We need to strategiiiise. The cheerleaders have to be planning somethiiiiing. There’s no way they’re not going to retaliaaate after that shitparade we gave them last weeeek.”

Adore lifted herself up by her arms to seat herself on the bathroom counter. “Do you guys ever talk about stuff other than revenge? I just saw a video of this kid online who could light up a lightbulb just by sticking it in his mouth. What’s all that about, amirite?”

“ _ Your attention please _ ,” came the voice of Vice Principal Kressley from the speaker in the bathroom.

Adore paid it no mind. “And don’t even get me started on Pakistan! Achmed Denijad, amirite?”

“Shut up!” Alaska slapped Adore’s arm.

“ _ ... for the announcements. Okay, whoever thought it would be a good idea to throw my bicycle on the roof--ahaha!--that is my only way to get home! So if you could please return it, it would be much appreciated. _

Back in the hallway, the cheer squad stood eagerly awaiting the real announcement.

“ _ And now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for -- I know I’m excited, my nipples are hard -- the finalists for the Overboard Park prom queen 2018.” _

Valentina splayed herself against the lockers. “Oh-ho-ho, yes. Oh  _ fuck _ yes! Who else is wet in here?!”

Katya shifted her weight, checking. She shook her head. Willam raised an eyebrow at Valentina.

“ _ Finalist number one, Valentina Sirname Unavailable _ .”

Valentina writhed in excitement. “ _ Oooooh, God _ that’s so sweet! Now, time to find out what unlucky twats are gonna have to suck my hole at prom!”

“ _ Finalist number two is Willam Belli.” _

“What the FUCK?” Squeaked Valentina.

“Oh, shit,” commented Willam.

“What the fuck do you think you’re trying to pull here, Belli?”

Willam took a step away from her cheer captain. “I’m not trying to pull anything, okay? Somebody must have nominated me not that I blame them though I mean, look at me.”

“What fucking idiot would nominate  _ you _ ?” Valentina growled.

Katya raised her hand. “Oh, um, that would be me.”

“WHAT.”

“Why?”

“Well, I think you really are a good friend and you totally deserve it,” said Katya sincerely.

“Wow. Katya. That’s really nice, thank you.” Willam gave a little smile. She often wanted to punch Katya right in her stupid face but right now she was experiencing the rare urge to hug. Thankfully, Valentina stepped between them.

“Yeah. Katya. Thank you. Thank you for  _ fucking up my entire life _ !”

“N-no--I just--”

“Do you hate me, Katya? Is that why you just BUTTFUCKED MY PROM CAMPAIGN?!”

“No, I was just--”

“Why don’t we just call you Ross Perot, would you like that?”

“Yes, actuall--”

Valentina shook her head. “You just split the cheerleader voting block and handed the crown to Alaska Thunderfuck. You IDIOT!”

“ _ Allright, finalist number three. Jinkx Monsoon. _ ”

“Wow, good for Jinks,” remarked Katya.

“Yeah,” agreed Valentina. “She totally deserves it.”

“Who the fuck is Jinkx Monsoon?” Adore asked Alaska.

“Adore, there’s 3,000 people at this school and you’ve only been here for like 2 weeks. You’re not gonna know everybody,” Alaska said.

“Uh. Right.”

“ _ And now, for our last finalist _ …”

Valentina grabbed her boobs. “ _ Oh yes _ . It’s time. Time for Alaska Thunderfuck to get FUCKED IN THE ASShole!” She looked to Willam. “Is everything ready?” 

Willam nodded and grinned.

“ _ The last finalist is _ …”

Alaska stood, chest up, head back, arms out as if she were awaiting a blessing from the heavens.

“ _ Asska Thunderfuck.” _

Face crack of the century. “WHAT?”

They could hear the cheer squad scream-laughing from inside the bathroom. “Ahahah! Bitch! ASS!”

Adore tilted her head. “I thought your name was Al-aska.”

“IT FUCKING IS ALASKA!”

“Well then why did he just say--”

“MY LIFE IS OVER!”

Adore looked to Courtney for sanity. “It’s not  _ that _ bad.”

“Are you NUTS?!” Alaska grabbed Adore by the arms. “Do you know what this means?!”

“It means that from now on Alaska Thunderfuck will always be called ‘ASS-ka’” exposited Valentina. “Her life in Overboard Park is RUINED!”

“I’m gonna have to move to another state!” Alaska was tearing up, her voice tightening. “I’m gonna end up working at the adult bookstore in fucking Wigginsville!”

“It means one day someone will walk up to check out hardcore bondage erotica,” Valentina monologued. “And they will say ‘Oh! I remember you, you’re’--”

“ASSka!” she threw herself on the filthy tile floor.

Adore had no intention of joining the girl on the floor, so she just looked down. “You know, ‘Lask, it’s just prom. Nobody really cares about prom. I don’t give two shits about prom! Fuck prom--that’s what I say!”

“ _ Your attention please, there was a pop up window on my internet browser, which was obscuring the final name on my list. The final finalist for prom queen is… Adore Delano.” _

“WHOOOOAA! YEAAAAAA! WEEEESAAAAA! I’MMA BE THE PROM QUEEN! I’MMA BE THE PROM QUEEN! SUCK MY DICK! SUCK MY DICK! I DID IT! I DID IT! IIIIAAAAAAAAAA!” Adore ran screaming from the bathroom.

Courtney kneeled next to Alaska and patted her face with a bit of paper towel. “Well, Courtney Act,” said Alaska, struggling to stand back up. “Time to go face what my life has become.”

As they exited the bathroom, Courtney cooed. “Maybe it’s not that bad. Maybe no one noticed.”

The football team walked past, each boy offering a ‘hey, Ass’. After all eleven boys trotted past she tried to stand up for herself. “That’s not my name!”

A voice from the opposite side of the hall said “Welcome to my world.” Alaska turned to see Jonathan Getslinhaumer standing in the shadows. She hated being in the same boat as him. Maybe she would start calling him ‘Than’ now that she knew how he felt--

“Ass,” he scoffed and then turned and walked away.

Alaska put her back to the wall and slid down to the floor, where she now belonged.

Now that she was dirt.


	10. 1x10 Pearl Harbor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adore’s double-agent status is revealed; the warring squads fight over her. 
> 
> Tw: blood/graphic depiction of cartoonish violence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't change the speech bc it is perfect on its own

“So the seamstress brings out this dress and it’s got silk and chiffon, and satin--”

Adore was only half-listening to Willam’s tirade. Katya’s mind had wandered to the massage she gave Matthew last night after football practice. She’d gone towards The Naughty but Matt stopped her; God, he was such a gentleman. 

Adore pushed her bag over her shoulder, “Alright, I’m gonna go now.”

Willam was taken aback. “I’m sorry, was I not just in the middle of a story?”

“Yeah, but I wasn’t really that interested in it.” She spun around on her heel and started walking away. 

Willam turned to Katya. She held up her thumb and forefinger. “I swear to god, I am this close.  _ This fucking close _ .”

Valentina came around the corner and saw Adore walking away from the group. She stopped the new girl. “Adore, are you aware that we have cheer practice in five fucking minutes?”

“Oh yeah, I’m not going to that.”

The three girls gasped as if Adore had just told them she was going to get a double mastectomy. 

Katya rushed to Adore’s side. “Ohmygod! Are you  _ dying ?” _

“No, I have a meeting.”

Valentina stepped in front of Adore, blocking her exit. “A meeting? Did you document this meeting with the cheer squad’s scheduling council?” she demanded.

The sole member of the scheduling council took Valentina’s place. “Oh-ho-ho, no. No I did not receive any documentation,” said Katya. Then she stepped closer to Valentina, speaking in a lower register. “Speaking of documentation, PhiPhi O'hara. No word back yet, but I am  _ persistent _ on the matter.”

Adore was halfway down the hallway, walking backwards. “You guys have a good rest of your day.” She spun around and raised a hand. “Biiieeee!”

Three heads snapped up at once, hackles raised. Eyes wide. Jaws either clenched or hanging open. Willam marched forward. “What. THE FUCK. Did you. Just. Say?”

The sudden hostility stopped Adore in her tracks. She turned around slowly. “Uh. I just said ‘bye-eee’?” Her heart plummeted.  _ I fucked up _ , she thought.  _ I done fucked up real bad _ .

Valentina’s eyes were wide, her system gone on high alert. “No...” Her voice was surprisingly hollow. “That wasn’t just any ‘bye’.” Her body was cold. “That was the trademark sound of--”

“HIIEEEE!”

All three Thunderfuck sisters rounded the corner.

“What the fuck are you doing here, Asska Thunderfuck?” demanded Valentina.

“Hey! That’s not my name!”

Ongina marched forward. “Cut the shit, Val! We’re not here for you.”

“Adore,” Violet approached her. “Do you  _ like _ making me look like a dickhole?

“Do you?” she asked again.

Adore faced off against her. “You want me to say ‘no’, right?”

“You’re goddamn right I want you to say no! Because I didn’t drive all the way down here from Whichole, listening to talk-fuckin’-radio for you to show up twenty-five minutes late for the Thunderfuck family strategy meeting!”

“Wait a second…” Willam leaned forward. “DID YOU JUST SAY STRATEGY MEETING?!”   
Violet sashed past Adore. “Oh, sorry Willam, didn’t smell you there. How’s your chlamydia circus?”

“Oh it’s FUCKING GONE, thanks for asking. how’s your COCK-EYED-NIPPLE?!”

“It’s lookin’ both ways. I heard you farted in biology and it smelled like your dad’s dick.”

“Heh, heard your fourth abortion was free--gotta love those free punch cards!”

Violet was out of witty comebacks so she took a step forward, squinting her eyes. “You fucking bitch.”

Willam mimicked Violet’s movement to the letter. “You fucking cunt.”

“You fucking bitch.”

“Cunt!”

“Bitch!”

“Cunt!”

Ongina had taken a stance next to Katya along the lockers as they watched the two girls face off. Ongina watched Katya calmly pick at her fingernails. “So, do you usually just stand here while all this goes on?”

“Pretty much,” Katya shrugged.

“Tu es un bitcho,” Violet spat.

“Fuck off,” said Willam.

“Go fuck yourself.”

Katya leaned toward Ongina. “Hey, I like your dress.”

Ongina beamed and spun around, showing off the skirt. “Thanks! Kids R Us.”

“Oh,” Katya winked. “I’m definitely gonna check that place out.”

Valentina tried to break into the showdown. “Guys--”

“ _ Do you know who the FUCK I am _ ?!” Violet and Willam were centimeters away from angrily making out, neither showing signs of backing down.

“Hey guys--”

They kept talking over her. 

Valentina took a deep breath. “ENOOOUUUGH!” She looked between the two girls. “I will not let you make us late for cheer practice,” stated Valentina. “Katya, Willam, Adore, let’s  _ go _ .”

“Um,  _ excuse _ ,” said Alaska sweetly. She stepped forward and placed a hard on Adore’s shoulder. “Adore is an honorary Thunderfuck cousin. We had her sworn in and everything.”

Violet took a stance behind her sister. “She’s coming with us!”

“The fuck she is,” Willam retorted. She stepped forward and grabbed Adore by the wrist. “She may be a dirty fucking two-faced bitch, but at least she’s  _ ours _ .” 

Katya took her place next to Willam with confidence. “Yeah, she’s on the cheer squad. Bottom of the pyramid, third on the left.”

Everyone gasped but Adore. She winced. She was very uncomfortable. Two people were touching her and six people were upset with her. She needed an escape. “Uuuuuuuhhhhmmmmmm… I have to poop now.”

Alaska took Adore’s elbow forcefully. “Adore, you’re a member of  _ this _ family. You poop with us!”

Valentina grabbed Adore’s face and forced the new girl to look at her. “Uh, no. Adore, you’re a cheerleader. You  _ shit _ with us!”

Violet stepped in. “She’s a  _ Thunderfuck _ !”

So did Willam. “She’s a GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING CHEERLEADER!”

Ongina joined the fray. “Thunderfuck!”

Katya followed. “She’s a cheerleader.”

Each faction grabbed Adore by an arm, stretching her limbs fully apart. 

“Thunderfuck!”

“Cheerleader!” 

They chanted, pulling harder. Adore’s mouth opened, surprised by the combined strength of so many skinny bitches.

“Thunderfuck!”

“ Cheerleader!”

They pulled harder. Adore felt her arms full of pins and needles. “Okay, Ow,” she gasped.

“Thunderfuck!”

“Cheerleader!”

“Hey, you guys--” Adore whimpered as screaming pain wove its way through her muscles. Stars dotted her vision. Her shoulders were on fire. “This is really hurting me.”

They ignored her.

“Thunderfuck!”

“Cheerleader!”

Adore’s face drenched with hot, painful tears.

“Thunderfuck!”

“Cheerleader!”

There was a terrible popping sound, like the lid being suddenly taken off of a jar, but much louder, and squishier. The squads fell to the floor, still clinging to Adore…

Or what was recently  _ attached _ to Adore. 

They looked down to figure out why they were suddenly all wet, to find their fronts were suddenly drenched in hot, bright red blood. 

It was a second’s delay, like before you realize your bone is broken, before Adore started screaming. Free from the warring factions, she bolted down the hall. Which didn’t make sense, because Alaska and Valentina were still holding...

Violet’s voice was a whisper as all the color washed out of her face. “ _ Holy shit _ .” She stumbled on her heels as the world tilted around her, but she ran.

Alaska dropped the flaccid member. “Oh my god.” Sick was rising in her throat. She raced after her sister to the bathroom.

Ongina backed against the wall, staring at the mess in front of her. Her whole body started shaking.

“Um. I’m gonna go.” Willam shakily walked out of the building, promptly hurling into an outdoor trashcan.

Valentina turned to Katya, body still stiffly clutching Adore’s hand. Which was still attached to Adore’s arm. Which was no longer attached to Adore. The head cheerleader looked straight out of  _ Carrie _ . “Katya,” she said weakly. “We’re gonna hold practice fifteen minutes. But I’ll see you out there.” 

Valentina left the arm in Katya’s hand. She looked to its twin, lying abandoned on the floor. Katya moved forward in a daze, picking it up. She just stared at the limbs. Blinking.

Then, PhiPhi O'Hara rounded the corner.

“Oh, hey Katya, Alexis Michelle said you wanted to see me?”

Katya blinked, pulling herself out of her daze. “PhiPhi O'Hara,” she said the name like she hadn’t heard it in decades. Like it was from some time before a great war. She met the girl’s eyes. More forcefully this time, she said, “PhiPhi O'Hara.” She closed her eyes, squeezing them shut. “You were supposed to be watching the door.” 

“Oh no, I know, I was just in Pearl Harbor for two weeks with my family. It’s this thing we do every year. Didn’t you get the vacation request form I submitted before I le--?”

“You were  _ supposed _ to be  _ watching _ the  _ door! _ ”

“Well, yeah, but I submitted the forms and I--”

Katya’s voice hitched as tears or maybe vomit fought their way to her face. “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING THE DOOR!” 

The tears spilled over. “PhiPhi O'Hara,” she cried. 

“K-Katya, are you okay?”

Katya held Adore’s arms aloft. They were still leaking blood. A lot of blood. It ran down Katya’s arms, her cheer uniform. “Do you know what these are, PhiPhi O'Hara? These are a little girl’s arms!” Her voice was half grunt and half scream as she waved the bleeding ends of the arms at PhiPhi. PhiPhi, whose mouth suddenly went dry. 

“A little girl with dreams,” Katya sobbed. “With legs, with a head!”

“Uh, really, Kaya--” PhiPhi had no idea what she was trying to say, but she couldn’t say it and she couldn’t move. 

“She’s a pencil! She’s a swizzle stick! You can use her as a pool noodle. And now I’m holding up her arms…HER ARMS!”

PhiPhi’s throat and mouth tried to make words for the situation but her brain gave no direction. Because there was blood in the hallway. And on the lockers and on the floors and leaking out of the… fuck. PhiPhi felt faint.

“I’m holding them because you weren’t watching the door!”

Katya. Mild-mannered, submissive, amiable Katya. Was standing before her screaming. Speckled with blood and screaming.

“A girl lost her arms, PhiPhi O'Hara. A GIRL LOST HER FUCKING ARMS! Do you  _ know _ what has transpired while you were in  _ Pearl Harbor _ ? Seeing the fuckin’ Japanese museum?!”

PhiPhi hadn’t known it was possible to feel feverish and freezing at the same time.

“We had our own Pearl Harbor here today! Oh my God. How could you do this to us? YOU LITERALLY BOMBED US! LIKE THE JAPANESE YOU ARE!”

“I’m not…” PhiPhi couldn’t look away. Katya was still holding the dismembered limbs.  _ Why was she still holding them? _

“And me, I’m Ben Affleck, I’m Ben Affleck and I’m HOLDING TWO FUCKING GIRL’S ARMS! AND YOU’RE CUBA GOODING JUNIOR, DISAPPOINTING EVERYBODY!” Katya stood over PhiPhi, screaming and spitting into her face. “LIVE WITH THAT!”

A few moments of silence passed as Katya panted. PhiPhi raced to the bathroom, bile quickly rising in her throat. Down the hall, the least popular girls looked on in horror as Katya held Adore’s arms like a human baby.

Mimi turned to Ariel and said quietly, “Ariel, was--was that part of the plan--for that girl to get her arms ripped off?”

Ariel looked down. “No, that wasn’t part of the plan at all.”

Mimi started tearing up. “This sort of thing never happens on  _ Big Little Lies. _ ” She sniffed. The air smelled like copper. “I wanna be on that show!” she sobbed.

Ariel couldn’t face her friend. She watched as a very pale Violet Thunderfuck scooped up a shaking child from the floor and hauled her off to the girl’s bathroom. “Me too, Mimi. Me too.”

  
  
  
  
  



	11. 1x11 Twist Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The big night is upon us! How is Adore? Who will win prom queen? What is Ariel and Mimi’s plan?

Katya and Matthew clutched at each other, their lips locked, tongues searching, breath intoxicating. He spun her around, inadvertently pushing her away so he could look at her. She’d promised not to wear lipstick so it wouldn’t smear. “I am getting so much better at this,” Matthew muttered as he leaned down to meet Katya’s lovely lips again.

“Okay,” Lunch Lady Bianca coughed, grabbing the attention of the horny teens. Tonight she was Photographer Bianca, taking identical pictures of boring couples. “On the count of three, say ‘prom’. One, two--”

She’d already lost them. Katya was trembling. Matthew held her steady in his embrace. All she wanted to do was let him undo her right then and there.

“Mister Derenger,” said Bianca. Katya’s hand was massaging the base of his neck, making his hair stand on end.

“MISTER DERENGER!”

He pulled away and looked at her. His pupils were wide. As were Katya’s. She raised an eyebrow. “Might I remind you that this is a _ school event?” _She pointed. “Hands where I can see them.”

Matthew obeyed and weaved his fingers into Katya’s and held them to his chest. “My apologies, Lunch Lady Bianca.” His voice dripped with honey. Katya was lost in his face. She wanted to trace every line of that face with her fingers. 

Matthew continued, “The beauty of this creature in front of me often drives me to act in ways that are… _ less _ than appropriate.” 

Katya’s breathing hitched. She squirmed, panties very wet early in the night.

“Oh-ho-ho,” commented Bianca. “_ Somebody’s _ going to be walking _ very funny tomorrow morning _,” she made a noise as much like a giggle as was possible through her throaty voice. She repositioned herself behind the camera.

Matthew bowed his head and spoke softly into Katya’s ear, his warm breath on her neck making her nerve endings sing. “Now, my sweet morsel, shall we proceed?”

“_ Oh, yes _,” Katya whispered.

“One, two, three--”

Katya and Matthew turned to the camera, their eyes bright. “Prom!” 

They were ushered away and Blaine and Courtney took their place on the photo platform. Courtney smiled at Bianca. “G’day, Lunch Lady Bianca.”

Bianca sighed for longer than was truly necessary. “Hello, Courtney Act,” she deadpanned. “Please embrace Blaine in a romantic yet appropriate manner.”

Blaine raised a thick hand. “Um, first. I have prepared a speech!”

Bianca raised an eyebrow. “For a picture?”

Blaine cleared his throat. “Courtney Act, tonight I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.”

Bianca shook her head. “Did you just steal that from Lou Gehrig's retirement speech?”

“No! She completes me!”

“That’s _ Jerry McGuire.” _

“Hey! I’m real! What you get is what you see. What you tryin’ to do to me?”

“Those are the lyrics to a J Lo song.”

Courtney turned to her date. “Oh, Blaine, straight up now tell me, do you want to love me forever, or am I caught in a hidden realm?” She grinned, happy to be able to join in.

Bianca sighed and facepalmed. “You two give love a bad name--GODDAMMIT NOW YOU'VE GOT ME DOIN’ IT!”

They turned to her. “What?”

She sighed again. “Nevermind. The babies you make tonight are gonna be so stupid.” She put her finger on the button and looked into the viewfinder. “Just say ‘prom’.”

“Prom!”

“How’d ya say--prom!”

++++++++++

(At the entrance into the cafeteria. Traaaaaannnssitiooooon!)

A very bored ginger woman ‘greeted’ head cheerleader Valentina and her date, Stephen Carburetor. “Hello, and welcome to the 2018 Overboard Park High School prom. All Dogs go to Heaven. Under the sea. In Hawai’i.”

Whoever decided that Sharon Versace would be a good fit for a high school prom greeter was seriously high, thought Valentina. She walked through the archway with her boyfriend. They took in the sight of the cafeteria, which had been converted into a ballroom bedecked with fish and dog decorations. 

“My, my,” remarked Stephen. “That’s quite a unique name for a high school prom.”

“Yeah,” Valentina scratched at her face with an acrylic nail. “We had some issues on the Prom Committee this year.”

_ Flashback whooosh! _

_ “UNDER THE SEA!” yelled Alaska, holding a stuffed clownfish. _

_ “HAWAII!” Valentina screamed back, sporting a coconut bra over her cheer uniform. _

_ “UNDER THE SEA!” _

_ “HAWAII!” _

_ Mimi Imfirst poked her head between the girls. “Hey, is my ‘All Dogs Go to Heaven’ idea still on the table because I think it’s a real winner.” _

“A compromise was reached,” said Valentina. She turned to her date and they headed off to get some punch.

The quarterback of the football team, Tanner Christianson followed under the archway. 

“Hello, and welcome to--” Sharon began with even less enthusiasm than before. 

She was cut off by another boy, this one wearing a metallic teal suit and a fucking _ crown _ on top of _ the _ gayest haircut Sharon had ever seen. “Oh. My. GAWD-- look at your outfit! I swear if I were into ladies I’d be elbow deep in you right now.” 

Sharon felt assaulted by the sheer amount of homosexual in front of her. “Hello,” she nodded her head as if she were talking to one of the special ed kids.

He waved limply. “You don’t know me. Tristan McKey. I go to Rainbow Valley Northwest. Well, that’s what I do during the day--at night, this one plays around in my guts.” He pointed at Tanner. The quarterback was off to the side, looking at Sharon trying desperately to telepathically apologise for his boyfriend.

“Yay.” Sharon deadpanned.

Tanner stepped forward. “Hi I’m Tanner Christianson.”

Sharon tilted her head. “The answer to a question I never asked.”

Tristan giggled. “I fucking love you, red! Gawd! You’re like the lovechild of Daria and Miranda from Sex and the City!”

Sharon blinked twice slowly. “I’m being paid fifty dollars to stand here. Not to talk to Rip Taylor’s bottom. Go away now.”

Tanner mouthed ‘sorry’ Sharon and yanked Tristan toward the dance floor.

\----------------

(in the school parking lot. traaaannnsitiooon!)

Willam rubbed her crotch against Connor’s knee, ramming into it softly while she places hot, suckling, tonguey kisses to his neck and jawline. Her hand stroked and pumped Connor’s cock in the cold air of the parking lot. The top to the convertible was down. Anybody could be looking. She hoped they were. She wanted the whole school to see that Connor DeVarnan came back to her ‘second-rate’ handjobs. She felt him shudder beneath her and she spun off of him, back into her passenger seat so his cum wouldn’t get anywhere on her. 

Willam pulled out a hand-held mirror from her clutch. She clicked it open and inspected her lipstick. She smiled. Not a smear on her face. Thanks OCC. “Now,’ she said. “Just try and tell me _ that _ was a second-rate handjob.”

“It was cool.”

“You’re damn right it was cool!” She snapped the compact closed and shoved it back into her tiny purse. “Now,” Willam swung her legs out of the car and took up a power stance. “To go in there and take my rightful place as--”

Connor gunned the engine and whirred away in his powder blue convertible.

“”WHAT THE FUCK!” Willam screamed, stamping her foot.

“Later!” he called, his voice already being carried away by the night air. 

Their parking spot was immediately snatched up by none other than Ariel and Mimi. Mimi drove an army green motorcycle and Ariel rode sidecar. While Willam stared in shock, the two girls flaunted their way to the door, powered by a mysterious bout of confidence.

“Welcome, to the--” at first, Sharon hadn’t even looked at her sister and her sisters friend. Then Mimi’s outfit caught her eye. “Why are you wearing a tuxedo?”

“Heey!” beamed Mimi. “Yeah,” she looked to Ariel. “Why _ am _I wearing a tuxedo?”

“It’s a women’s cut!” squeaked Ariel pridefully.

Sharon tilted her head. “Did that come with balls and a dick or did you buy that separately?”

“Sharon.” Ariel pulled at the sides of her skirt and gave a little twirl. “Do you like my dress?”

Sharon blinked slowly. “You look like a tampon that’s been dipped in skittles. And vomit.”

“Thank you!” Ariel smiled brightly and skipped away. Mimi followed. 

Willam approached the archway. Sharon started again. “Welcome--”

“Fuck off.”

Sharon spun on her heel. “Don’t mind if I do.” She still had a set of counterfeit keys from her days in this hellhole of secondary education. She headed for the nearest janitor’s closet.

“Hey.” Willam tapped football player, Justin Michaelson, on the shoulder.

“Huh?” he turned around, only to be assaulted by Willam’s mouth. He didn’t make any effort to get away once she had him. 

“Wha--” came the voice of a recently traumatized Phi Phi O’Hara. She shook her head, trying to make sense of what she was seeing. “That’s my fucking boyfriend!”

Katya marched out from behind Willam and Justin. “OH YEAH,” she said. “That’s what you get, PhiPhi O’Hara! Maybe next time, you watch the FUCKING DOOR!”

Gia took a step back, tears stinging her eyes. “Why are you guys so _ mean _ to me?” she said softly before running for the exit.

Willam broke off her kiss and rested her head on Justin’s shoulder to look at Katya. “Uh, you know she, was in charge of snacks, right?”

Katya panted. “Wait. What?”

“PhiPhi O’Hara. She’s in charge of snacks,” Willam clarified. 

Justin turned around. “Alexis Michelle is in charge of the door.” He pulled away from Willam and paced back to the rest of his teammates.

Katya wrapped her arms around herself. _I done fucked up_, she thought. “Uh… I may have made a terrible mistake.”

Valentina power-walked over to the girls. “Um, can someone explain to me why I saw bottom-right of the pyramid running away from you two in tears?”

Katya started wheeze-pant-laughing, anxiety straining her voice. “I… may have mistakenly blamed her for a certain girl-getting-her-arms-ripped-off debacle.”

“And I may have made out with her boyfriend.” Willam flipped her hair. “Not mistakenly.”

Valentina squeezed her eyes shut. “Wait, wait. You made out with Justin Michaelson?”

“Yeah,” she said as if it were obvious. She smiled smugly. “Why? _ Do you have a problem with that _?”

“N-n-no, of course not, why would I have a prob-problem with--I don’t care who Justin Michaelson makes out with--I am… in a… loving, committed relationship with Stephen Carburetor.”

Katya raised her hand. “Um, are we absolutely sure that PhiPhi O’Hara is _ not _ in charge of the door, because we… need to be really--really sure.”

Valentina stamped her foot. “GODDAMIT, KATYA! This was supposed to be MY night!”

“_ Your _ night?” Willam cut in. “I’m sorry but since when does the night belong to the girl who’s gonna come in second for prom queen?”

“_ You take that back, bitch _!”

“I take nothing back.”

“Take it back!” Valentina lunged for Willam’s throat. 

“Well, well, weeeeeelllllll,” drawled a certain throaty voice. Alaska was on the arm of Jonathan Getslinhaumer. She wore a gold dress that perfectly heightened what curves she had. Her hair was pulled into an elaborate updo. Her whole facade screamed ‘opulence’. “Sounds like there’s discoooooorrrd on cheer mountaaaaain.”

Valentina stepped back. “Asska Thunderfuck, why the hell did you bring Jonathan Getslinhaumer as your prom date?”

“Hey! That’s not my name!” the couple spat in unison.

Valentina rolled her eyes. “Nevermind. Forget it.”

“Hey, girl with the brown hair!” Than approached Valentina. “I don't need to stand here and be berated by the likes of you!” He stood up straight. “Than is popular now. And Than is gonna hang out with the rest of the popular dudes!” He raised a hand and motioned towards the football team. “Yo dudes, wait up!”

“Fuck. Off,” said Tanner.

“Fuck off,” said Justin.

“Eyes off the butts,” said Matthew.

“That’s just an inside joke we have.” Than tried to play it off. “Heh. Popular guy thing.”

“No it isn’t!” called Tanner.

“Fuck you too there buddy, that’s--” Than started pretend-crying for sympathy. When nobody gave a shit, he left, accidentally ramming into…

“The fuck was that about?” Adore The New Girl waltzed into the cafeteria looking a lot like a dressed-up clothespin. She’d missed being ‘greeted’ by Sharon,who was still away from her post.

Willam approached Adore with a cheerful and fearful look in her eyes. “Ohmygod, Adore. It’s--it’s so good to see you.” She tried to awkwardly pat Adore on what was left of her shoulder. Valentina, Katya and Alaska also tried to greet her with penitent smiles. 

“Can I just say, heh. I love your dress,” Alaska tried.

“It’s the exact same dress I’ve been wearing every day since I got here,” said Adore.

“Yeah, heh, I know but…” she reached out a hand as if to grab at Adore, but there was nothing that she could reach from this distance anymore. She lowered her hand. “It’s... so good today.”

“Well, it’s really good to see that you’ve kept a positive attitude about all this,” Valentina told Adore softly.

“Um, yeah, things are fuckin’ awesome for me,” said Adore. 

Four confused heads tilted in contemplation.

“I got to run a hundred meters in special olympics. I lost like 27 pounds.”

“Oh my god,” Katya gasped. “_ What _is your secret?”

Adore let a few beats of silence pass before she said: “I got both my arms ripped off.”

“Oh,” Katya awkwardly laugh-exhaled. “Right.”

“And tonight,” Adore continued, smiling. “I get to be the prom queen.”

“I’m sorry. Excuse,” said Alaska, raising a hand. “Adore, did you say--”

“_ You’re _gonna be prom queen?” Willam finished.

“Uh, _ yeah _, look at me,” said Adore.

“Exactly,” said Valentina. “Look at you.”

Adore rolled her eyes and addressed her competitors. “Valentina, Alaska Thunderfuck, handjob girl.” 

Willam winced.

“You clearly are unfamiliar with the concept of a pity vote,” Adore said. “Put yourself in the shoes of an average Overboard Park student. Who are you gonna vote for for prom queen?” She motioned with her head (she could no longer talk with her hands). “A cheerleader? Perhaps. An Overboard Park socialite? Maybe. But who is this? A girl with no arms? Well, if I don’t vote for her, I’ll surely burn in the fiery fire of hellfire for all eternity, so I’m gonna vote for her. Hell, I’ll vote for her _ twice _ to ensure that she never experiences emotional pain or heartbreak ever again in her entire life. After all, she does have _ no arms _.”

Adore leaned back against the wall. “Bada-bop. 1-2-8. Prom queen.”

“_ Your attention please, _ ” came principal Rice’s voice over the intercom. “ _ Would the five students nominated for prom queen this year please approach the front of the stage. Prom has been going for eight minutes, which of course means it’s time for the most important event of the evening. _”

Adore turned to the other girls. “See you up there. Dumb whores.”

“_ Students and faculty, please give warm applause for the five finalists for Overboard Park prom queen 2018.” _ The voice on the intercom turned from sad principal who is trying too hard to a pilgrim seeing Mecca for the first time. “ _ Here to present the crown, ladies and gentlemen _ , _ it’s my pleasure to welcome the most popular girl in the history of the Rainbow Valley school district, and 2017 Overboard Park prom queen… Violet Thunderfuck!” _

She appeared on the main stage, waist the size of a butterfly’s wing. Heels high enough that her oversized Ariana Grande ponytail scraped the ceiling. Makeup done to perfection. She smiled and held a hot pink envelope between two pristinely manicured fingers. 

At the sight of her, Lunch Lady Bianca started wheezing from the back of the crowd, grabbing onto Sharon.

“Thank you, Principal Bailey,” said Violet sweetly.

“_ It’s just so great to have you back on campus, Violet _,” said the intercom.

“It’s so good to be back,” said Violet.

“I’m sorry,” piped up Valentina. “Does no one else think it’s a conflict of interest to have a Thunderfuck announcing the winner--”

“When a Thunderfuck is in the running for the crown?!” finished Willam.

Valentina looked at Willam fiercely. “_ Don’t you _ ever _ fucking cut me off again _ ,” she whispered. “ _ Do you understand me _?”

“I’m gonna be honest,” said Alaska. “I don't see what the big deal is.”

“Yeah,” Violet shrugged. “Me neither. I’m fine with it.”

“And thanks to the pity vote I’m gonna win no matter what. So either way I don’t really give two shits,” said Adore, doing what was supposed to be a shrug but didn’t look quite right without arms.

Valentina turned to the quietest prom queen finalist. “Jinkx?” she asked the nice girls opinion on the matter.

Jinkx looked to the crowd and smiled demurely. “I just think this should be a night for all of us to celebrate together, you guys.” She chuckled and it sounded like peaceful ocean waves lapping against a soft shoreline. “Like, I know it’s a cliché, but really is just an honor to be nominated.”

“God dammit, _ she’s so wise _,” Willam said wistfully.

“_ As it is, ladies, I am unable to attend tonight, as somebody thought it would be funny to reverse the locks on my office door. Thereby sealing me into this deathtrap of paperwork and diplomas. Whoever you are, just know, I will find you. And when I do… _ ” the principal laughed evilly over the speakers. “ _ Anyway. So Violet! The floor is yours! _”

Violet paced around the stage, modeling her designer dress and flawless body for all to see from every angle. “Thank you. Before I begin, I’d like to tell all the contestants that you are all winners. Except, of course, for those of you who don’t win. That makes you guys losers.”

Bianca leaned toward Sharon in the back of the room. “Oh, she is _ so eloquent _,” she said.

Sharon turned to her, lip pouted. “You smell like maple syrup and meat,” she said louder than was necessary. She couldn’t hear very well over the rush of blood in her ears.

Bianca raised an eyebrow at the girl. Looked her up and down, noting the way she scratched at the inside of her elbow. Bianca shook her head. “What did your father do to you?” 

Back at the front, Violet pulled the hot pink envelope open. “Third runner up is Jinkx Monsoon!” She proclaimed with a smile.

The crowd uttered cheerful “good for her”s and “she really deserves that”s. 

Violet gracefully leaned down to present the beloved redhead with a ribbon. “Everyone’ll forget you by next year,” she said. Jinkx left unaffected and joined her friends who were waiting for her with open arms just off stage.

Violet spoke into the microphone. “Second runner up--Adore the New Girl.”

“What the fuck?” said Adore. “I got my fuckin’ arms ripped off for _ second runner up? _ I don’t even know what that is!”

“Sure as fuck isn’t winning,” said Violet, still into the microphone.

“It’s third place,” said Stephen from the front row.

_ “Third place?! _ Are you kidding me? I gotta learn how to write with my mouth like Alana goddamn Tillman and all I get is fucking THIRD PLACE?!” She stormed toward the center stage. Might as well get her fucking ribbon. “This is fucking bullshit! This never would have happened at Assyousuck!”

Violet tried to put it around Adore’s shoulders but it fell off. In her heels she couldn’t bend over any further so she just left it there. At least she tried.

“Allright,” she said, looking back to the envelope. “Our first runner up, and certainly not the winner,mostly because she’s a bitch, and also because she’s a bitch is Willam Boom-Boom Belli.”

Valentina batted her eyelashes at Willam. “Congratulations, Will. First runner-up is a _ big accomplishment _ for someone like you.”

“Fuck off.”

Valentina breathed down Willam’s neck, making the hair stand on end and her skin recoil. “I hope you remember to _ never betray me again.” _

Willam turned to go accept her ribbon. “This isn’t over.”

Valentina leaned back on her heels. “Oh no, trust me, it is.”

When Willam got to center stage, Violet went to hand her her ribbon, but pulled away, intent on teasing her. “So Willam, I noticed you decided to come to prom without a date.” Violet covered her laughter with the envelope. “That’s really ballsy,” she choked out behind her giggling.

Willam snatched the ribbon fromViolet’s hand. “You more than anyone would know what it’s like having balls, wouldn’t you?” she spat.

Violet was taken off-guard. “The fuck did you just say?”

“You heard me, Jamie Lee Curtis.”

Violet’s voice jumped an octave. “That was a rumor!” she defended. “That was a dirty fuckin’ rumor and you know it’s not true!”

Willam was about to say something before Alaska poked out her foot, sending her hurtling into the arms of Tristan McKey, who started babbling about how great her hair looked

“Moving on,” said Violet. “To the moment we’ve all been waiting for.”

“_ Violet, if I may interject _,” the intercom interrupted.

“Of course,” Violet stepped back.

“_ The moment we’ve all been waiting for… a special performance from the Overboard Park High School Football team _!”

Music suddenly blasted from the speakers as the football team trotted up to the stage and started to do a choreographed hip-hop dance. They moved and popped and locked for a good few minutes before Valentina could stand it no longer.

Just before the big finish, Valentina stormed into the middle. “THAT”S IT!” she said. “Get off my stage!”

“Actually,” Matthew started.

“GEEEOOOFFFMYYYYSTAAGE!” Valentina screamed. 

The boys submitted, leaving in fear of the nightmare cheerleader. 

“I have been here _ all night _,” grunted Valentina.

“Actually, it’s only been like ten minutes,” said Katya.

“SHUT UP, KATYA!” screamed Valentina. “I have been waiting my _ entire life _ for this moment. This moment that keeps getting PUSHED BACK by dance routines, armless girls, and the bickering of blonde idiots--oh, and whatever the FUCK that is!” she pointed to the side of the stage.

“Oh me?” said Tristan. “I’m a pisces, but keep going -- I am loving it -- you are so presh!”

“Okay,” said Willam. “I know you did not--”

“SAVE IT, JUDAS!” Valentina turned away from her cheer peer.

Violet lowered her voice, full of venom. “_ Do you know who the fuck you’re talking to _?”

“Do you know who THE FUCK _ YOU’RE _ TALKING TO?!” Valentina’s face was visibly red under her wilting makeup. Her eyes were crazed. “I am Valentina! Head Cheerleader! Homecoming Queen! PART-TIME MOTHERFUCKING MODEL!

“So open the goddamn envelope and hand over the crown that is RIGHTfully MINE!”

Shaken by the outburst, Violet pulled the card fully out of the envelope. Her eyes searched the text for a good few moments before she blanched. Her shoulders slumped. Her lip quivered. “This… it can’t be true,” she gasped. “Can someone look at this for me?”

Sharon, no clue when she approached the stage or how she drifted so close, offered her hand. “Oh, fuck.”

Violet tried to steady herself. She pinched the bridge of her nose. “The winner for Overboard Park Prom Queen--” she scoffed. “Is a write-in.”

“Wait-wait-wait,” said Katya. “She’s coming in on a horse?”

Willam shook her head. “No, write-in. Like with a pen. It means she wasn’t nominated!”

Violet stepped back from the microphone, unable to speak, and waved Sharon foreword. Sharon spoke into the microphone. “The prom queen is… Ariel Versace,” she said flatly.

“WHAT?!” said everyone.

Alaska threw up her hands in despair. “This is the worst thing that has happened to ANYONE EVER!”

Violet was holding the crown between shaking fingers.

“You CAN NOT be serious!” said Willam.

Ariel and Mimi cackled evilly.

“Our plan has come to fruition!” declared Mimi. 

“Congratulation--” Violet cringed. “Can’t even say it. Congratulations, Ariel Versace,” Violet looked like it physically hurt her to say it. “You are the 2018 Overboard Park prom queen.” She panted “Oh, my God.”

Ariel looked up sweetly. “Thank you, Violet Thunderfuck. From one popular girl to another, you are standing in my light.” 

“I’m sorry. What?”

“Hit the bricks, bitch.” Ariel pushed Violet out of her way, grabbing the microphone from the stand. She stood close to Mimi so they could share.

Violet scoffed. “I never--”

“Well, now you have,” Ariel said directly into the mic for everyone to hear. There were a few ‘woo!’s from the crowd from people happy to see the tables turned on Violet.

“People of Overboard Park,” Ariel addressed. “Your queen is humbled by--”

“No,” Willam cut in. “_ No _ . This can _ not _ be possible. You smell. You talk incessantly about _ Big Little Lies _. And no one even likes you!”

“Hey,” said Mimi. “I like her.”

“Exactly!” Willam said, exasperated.

Alaska leaned forward. “How could you possibly have gotten more votes than _ us?!” _she demanded, motioning between herself and Valentina.

“We had a master plan!” bragged Mimi. “It was very complex. Try and explain to these simpletons, Ariel, all the twists and turns we arranged!”

Ariel preened her hair and dress, enjoying the center of attention. “Well,” she drew out the word. “I gave every boy in the school…a blowjay.”

A beat of silence.

“What,” Valentina deadpanned.

“That--” Willam said. “Is literally impossible. I know for a fact that you can _ not _ blow everyone in the school in that amount of time.”

“I got one,” said Blaine. He was followed by a chorus of “and me”, “me too”, “two for me” from every guy in that cafeteria. All except for Matthew, who gazed into Katya’s eyes with adoration and said “not me.”

“So loyal,” Katya breathed.

“Wait, isn’t that the guy with no penis or testicles?” asked Tristan, earning him a punch to the back from his boyfriend, silencing him.

The situation died down into a low roar as girlfriends and boyfriends sent accusatory words back and forth. Everyone left the stage.

In a daze, Valentina and Alaska walked down together. “I can’t believe I didn’t win anything,” said Valentina.

“We got beat by a girl with no arms,” Alaska said in disbelief.

“How did this happen?”

Alaska gently grabbed Valentina’s shoulder. She didn’t shy away. She had nothing left. “What if we’ve been looking at this all wrong?”

“Yeah,” Valentina nodded. “Maybe instead of being such bitches to each other and focusing on how popular we are, we should just be better people.”

“Maybe if we focused on making friends and being nice instead of defeating enemies all the time, we really _ would _ be the most popular girls in school.”

Valentina smiled. “_ Yeah _ !” Then after a beat of silence she said “ _ Or _.” Alaska’s attention was caught. “We could swear vengeance and devote our lives to defeating Ariel Versace.”

Alaska nodded fervently. “Oh, yes, I like your idea a lot better.”

“Wait,” said Valentina. “Does that mean we’re friends now?”

“Oh, no,” said Alaska. “I still can't fucking stand you.”

“Okay, great. fuck you and your entire family.”

“Enjoy your bald spot, bitch.”

“You’re gonna die alone!”

“Biiieeeee!”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
